WORD, COUSIN (EASTER AT GRANDPA'S)

10. We sent my two teenage skater boy cousins outside to hide the eggs for the kids (I'm the oldest of 27 grandkids, the youngest of which is almost two years old), and they "hid" them mostly on the tailgates of my uncles' trucks outside.



9. My 19-year-old cousin S. just discovered R5 Productions. Expect to run into her a lot this summer. She casually mentioned her obsession with MeWithoutYou. That was weird.



8. My Grandpa is notoriously obsessed with trains, having retired several years ago from a long career as a conductor. At some point in every family gathering, I offhandedly bait him with a mention of some trip I took--it could be to Boston on Amtrak, or it could be from Temple to work at Rustica. He will talk for twenty minutes about all the different routes you can take to get there. Sometimes, when I really feel like developing a deep emotional connection with him, I bring up the subject of West Philly trolleys. We recite together the holy litany of trolley numbers and destinations, argue in the same way we have a million times about which trolley comes out of which tunnel when, and then if we're really feeling good we move on to the light rail lines. This is where he always stumps me. I'm no match for him.

7. One of my aunts made CANDY DEVILED EGGS. The women in my family are domestic overachievers. (They say the only way to clean a floor is on your hands and knees.)

6. I made a classic Andy gaffe when my aunt told me 10 ships disappear at sea a week: "What? That's impossible. 10 a week? That would be 3,650 ships a year." Oops.



5. So many jokes about "fags" were happening. I'm not out to all of them yet, and I almost said something, but every time, the joke was legitimately funny. When they make a joke that's offensive AND lame, that's when I'll throw in my two gay cents.

4. My four-year-old cousin said, "Your hair's weird." I said, "I know." He said, "I hate it."




3. He also referred to me as "Guy," "Hair," and "Pizza."

2. He also referred to my mom as "Pizza."

1. Also, his mom told me that they potty-trained him like a year ago, but he's recently been on this weird kick where he'll be outside playing and just not really feel like going all the way inside to relieve himself, so he'll just shit his pants. Then later, when he's finished playing, he goes inside, shrugs, and says, "Hi, Mom. I was lazy and pooped in my pants." She makes him go back outside and sit in it for fifteen minutes.



Download:
"Dirty Ol' Egg-Suckin' Dog" - Johnny Cash

Also:

Why did this picture show up when I googled "Easter bunny gay"?