NO PICTURES PLEASE

When the psychoactive ingredient in your illegal tequila kicks in, nothing fun will happen. You'll just get really bugged out by anybody who wants to talk to you. It's OK! You have something to enjoy now, a brand new pastime: pretending to be way more drunk than you already are. This might work, and people will leave you alone when you sloppily (don't forget to be extra sloppy!) push them away with your palm.

Or, they might just get all, "Hey guys Andy's drunk let's fuck with him and put our hands all up in his face!"

Soon, those four Sparks you forced down (for "old times' sake") will kick in, and you'll be as drunk as you wanted to appear. Now you will develop "elephantitis." (thanks Eric)

ELEPHANTITIS - Light a cigarette, take a drag, lean on your arm (which is hovering in the air) and fall dead asleep. Your forearm will careen around in front of you like a trunk. Gah.

Oh don't worry, you'll have lots of memories tomorrow, after you're whisked away into a cab and helped into bed and out of your clothes. (thanks Eric, you letch) Or at least, after you see pictures of the party in a few days and find out how many of your friends that you thought never made it did, in fact, and smiled for the camera with you and danced with you (alone, because you were careening around dancing alone).

MEMOREEEEEEZ!


Also, Dan K woke up the next morning in his car outside of Mar and Sue's house with one lens missing from his glasses and a gash next to his eye. WE CLASSY!

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Also, official planning meetings for Shallowe'en 2K8 are in effect this week. Don't make plans for 24 October, because we're making them for you. BOO!

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING

more animals
Some old, some new. Invite me!

10. THIS podcast

9. THIS drug

8. THIS opera


7. THIS hobby

6. THIS sexual position


5. THIS food

4. THIS website

3. THIS album

2. THIS DJ mix (really, really)

1. THIS TV show

TOP 10 MOST-FEARED COSTUME NO-NOS FOR SHALLOWE'EN 2K8

Come on, I've been trying out an Amazing Criswell costume, and now I can sense you've been considering some hoooorrrrible costume ideas. Please don't. Just stick with Vampire or Sexcop.


NEVER FAILS!!!
(TRUE BLOOD!!!!)

DON'T WEAR THE FOLLOWING COSTUMES TO MY PARTY, or you'll be turned away at the door.

10. BAIKEN
Don't be Clay Aiken's baby or anything to do with Clay Aiken. Christ, why is it always the fugly ones that come out? Like that lesbian folk singer Lance Bass or the old man that's marrying Portia De Rossi?
And now the Faglys are breeding. There are so many teeerrrrrifying aspects to the phrase, "Clay Aiken donated his sperm to a friend in order to have a child." That sentence will give me nightmares for the next forty-one years.
On second thought, this is a great costume. Anything to do with the Claiken Monster and the Baby Claiken Monster.

Immaculate (Baster Injected) Conception 2K8 youse guys!!!

(PS - Can we take bets on who's uncloseting themselves next since things come in threes? Apparently the LiLo told some dumb reporter the other night that she's officially dating whatsername.
Anderson Cooper? Oprah and GAYle? Dora the Explora? Conor Oberst (post-Bright Eyes)?
Taking votes.

WILD CARD GALLERY:


DennReyn,
and
+4VR!!!
(Sue and Keanu Reeves, the best gay couple ever)
and

Gayzmo.

2K8 is GAY 'N' GR8!)

9. SARAH PALIN

This is a picture of Brad Pitt's beard and baby mama dressed as Sarah Palin, or, as I like to call her, SARS-PAL.

She's too scary even for Hallowe'en, and every girl's already thought of it. She's like the Winehouse last year.

Over before she even began. 'Member? 'Member her?*

Next year, though if (OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD)Sarah and her dad lose the election, she'll be the best costume ever.

(*If you're going to a really boring party you don't care about, and you happen to have long hair and glasses, I guess you could say you're being Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. Someone boring and attractive might be impressed.)

8. "VAMPIRE WEEKEND," OTHER VISUAL PUNS
Can we be over punstumes? Bad idea that I overheard at Temple: assemble a group of four friends dressed like vampires with sun visors and beach towels and be "Vampire Weekend. NO!

7. Kathie Lee Gifford

SHE'S BAAAAAACK!!!

(But I will accept "Kathie Animatedlee .GIFford.")

6. Reality TV Stars
Everyone's a reality TV star already. For example, here are just a few:

and
+4V4!!!
and

.)

5. THE FLAP-FLASHIN' HOLLYWOOD HO

The aforementioned LiLo, et al...unless you're gonna go all the way

4. OBAMA, OR ANY BLACKFACE/YELLOWFACE/&c

...this keeps happening and it's pret-ty boring...assuming you're not black (although if you are, for fuck's sake let me know so I feel better about my blawg)...also, put that Hillz mask back in the box of stuff from Shallowe'en '97

(God but isn't he the sexiest future world leader?)

3. LOCAL PHILLY CELEBRITIES
Dumb. Don't.

2. DENNIS REYNOLDS IN THE GORILLA MASK


Oooooohhhhhhh this would be a bad idea. None of your friends would ever be able to look at you again. Not one. Ever.

*(This picture isn't what a 'gorilla mask' is)

1. MARIE ANTOINETTE

Because Minkelstein and I already called it. Don't ruin my SHALLOWE'EN!!!


ALTERNATE SUGGESTIONS
Stick to things you know, like:
Hall and Oates, Cher, Vampires (not the weekend kind), the cast of "Square One," Angela Chase/Jordan Catalano/Ricky, etc, Phish Phans, Gorilla in a Dennis Reynolds Mask, Ghosts, Conor Oberst (post-Bright Eyes), Mummies, Monsters, Joan Crawford/Faye Dunaway As Joan Crawford, Mr. Miyagi, Motorhead, Witch, Slimer


AWWW SLIMER!!!

RETARDED EYEWEAR

Why do all the stores in CC stop selling sunglasses the first week of fall? The sun's out 7/365 last time I checked (today).



I never spend more than 6 or 7 dollars on shades because I always lose them or break them. Or 1) get drunk at the Barbary 2) wear them on the dance floor (dumb) 3) put them on other people 4) tell them about my rule about other people keeping my clothes if they look better in them and then 5) wake up the next morning wondering where my shades went.



So the paint or vinyl or whatever on my most recent pair of shades started peeling off and I went to five different stores looking for more.


Lots of sales but no shades!!!

Then I sucked in my dignity and headed for Ughrban:


When I got there, there was a family outside whose daughter had Down Syndrome. They were all fawning over the new shiny gold sunglasses she had just bought. (Fortunately, she wasn't in shuttershades or anything that would make her look, uh, retarded.)



This girl just looked so happy about her sunglasses, not like in some "Sixth Sense" kid/Sean Penn/teary-eyed awards speech faux inspiring way, but like she had just bought these bangin' shades and she wished her family would go away, stop treating her like a retard and leave her alone to go show off a little at Rittenhouse. She didn't look cute and adorable because she's got DS, just cause of those shades!!!

So I went in and bought a pair and spent three times as much as I usually do. It was worth it. Now I know how that girl feels and it is awesome!



Just like these but not Ray-Ban and all gold. So cliche and Williamsburgy but I feel challenged!

NVR N'D

Register Boy was ringing me up this morning for my coffee and freaked out about my shirt:



...because of "The Never Ending Story", obv:



...and called everybody behind the counter over to look at it. One girl got excited about my hair and said, "You look just like Perez Hilton!"


[UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY]

THAT CUNT RUINED MY DAY!!!

MARK THY CALENDARS

Call the temps...

9.26.2K8 - Birthdayx1MIL for Mar, Mink, Rander
10.24.2K8 - SHALLOWE'EN 2K8 at Berks Warehouse
10.25.2K8 - Women, MRT and secret Milkmen at Johnny Brenda's

Also, PRTY BY PRXY last night:


From Little S* DO-TEXT:
"This boy just invited me to the bathroom for a 'quick interaction with colombia'"

TRU LUV ==> SYRUP

What do you do if a mustache-and-scooter enthusiast from Guatemala named Waffles starts giving you bedroom eyes and regaling you with a 60-minute account of his recent trip to Montana, the whole time giving your shoulder muscles little massagey squeezes?

If you're Ben Gallman, you just keep asking the dude questions and not trying to get rid of him, because you are SOUL MATES.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR

NU-FAVES

X. MY FIRST TIME TAKIN' MY SISTER TO A GAY LEATHER BAR - AND RUNNING INTO LIL' WOODS THERE

IX. PANCAKES ARE MAKING A COMEBACK IN MY LIFE, AND ALSO WAFFLES

VIII. I GOT USED TO A LITTLE URCHIN SPITTING ON ME AND PEEING WHEN HE SITS ON MY LAP

VII. BONOBOS

VI. LAST NIGHT I DREAMED I WENT ON A DINNER DATE WITH MICHAEL PHELPS IN BEIJING--HIS HANDS WERE THE SIZE OF OUR DINNER PLATES

V. FREE MEDZ @ THE PUBLIC HEALTH CTR

IV. A NEW APPRECIATION FER HIPPIES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD--KINDA LIKE LAWN JOCKEYS WHEN I WAS A KID IN THE BURBS. (OMG OMG HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE BUT SECRETLY STRANGELY COMFORTING))))

III. BUZZ ABOUT NEW BARS WHEN SAID BARS HAVE THE WORST NAME EVER

II. FISTING JOKES IN NIGHTLIFE FLYERS

I. BLOG IS DEAD