HERO MACHINE

Installment #1 of a feature where I will point out why some person in my "extended network" deserves instant hero status.



LOLauren: I slept a little on your New Year's Resolutions. If reading them today was the only thing I'd done, I could still put a gold star on the calendar:

"HAVE BETTER POSTURE

SUCK MORE DICK

TRY ANOREXIA ONE MORE TIME

DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE FASCIST PIGS

BE A SNAPPIER DRESSER

DO THE DISHES MORE FREQUENTLY

SPREAD MY LOVE WITH EFFICIENCY AND CANDOR"

Congratulations, girl. Please stay within a 2-mile radius of me for the rest of my LIFE.

YOUSE GUYS'RE ALL INVITED

When you're in school, you plan ahead:

Oh, what are you doing on Friday night? Shame there's nothing to do...oh wait, I forgot about First Friday, WTWB, Yo Majesty and Amanda Blank at the Barbary, The Teenagers and Dark Horse and the Carousels at Making Time...

So I guess you'll all be hurting on Saturday morning?

Beulah Brunch at noon. Bloody Marys and a European buffet. It's the New Philadelphia, people!

Get used to Advance Warning. This is how I roll until May.

TEN FUNNY THINGS ABOUT SCHOOL.

IT'S WORKING! I'M GETTING SMARTER!!!


10. You can't get drunk the night before. I thought that wouldn't be funny at all, but I'm really enjoying myself: every night while I'm studying, you guys stumble through my door and drunkenly spill me your stories of the evening's antics. Then, if I see you the next day, you tell me an alternate version of the same story but with a lot of missing pieces and mistakes, and it's obvious you don't realize you're repeating yourself. I am completely honest in saying this: I am having so much fun being this person. Please keep it up. I love you all.


9. Backpacks. Everywhere.


8. "Were you born in 1989 or 1990?"


7. I like going to sleep now. It's been years.


6. Looking forward to MT at the end of the week actually almost means something.


5. Flying alarm clock.


4. Finding food in a cafeteria brings new meaning to "hunter-gatherer."


3. Loan rebates = a house entirely furnished by IKEA. Come have a glass of wine some evening and see.


2. Understanding shit.


1. Before, my dream was to go back to school. Now, it's to have time to blog.

Jay Kolos, you were my best worst date.

michelle has a bastard

the bad news: heath ledger just died
the good news: movies never die.

magic

conrad is my favorite person ever. and well respected in magic. and boys who play magic love girls...but highly respect girls that are with conrad.
(and this is not a joke....even though conrad probably thinks i'm making fun of him)

also ryan just said rapex is like a chinese finger trap.

ps. i love you

10. you can not masturbate while wearing rape x (rapestop.net)
9. what if my child finds the rapex in the waste paper basket and gets his finger stuck?
8. won't the rapist just kill me???
7. i didn't get herpes, you gave them to me"
6. the future of conrad is in sue's stomach
5. dick eating tampon machine (.com)
4. teeth trailer. are you serious?
3. want to have phone dry hump???
2. pants you can fit your friends into!!!!
1. sue is aborting conrad's future in miami

TONIGHT?

10 mjr fvs RIGHT NOW

1. A-Glads. 2 hours last night? Awes. Sign me up. (Not literally).



2. The username/password for the internets on Beulah.

3. Scene it With Buzzers at Rob's
and conversations that happen during it -

C: I love you, A.
A: ...thank you.

4. Still, the movies.

5. Losing things at parties. Finding them.

6. CL MCs.

7. LOLcats. So good in 2k8?!



8. Monday nights.

9. Booking one day cross country sleepovers at my sister's.

10. Andy, valiantly keeping blogging.

III. TOP TEN BROKEN RESOLUTIONS

10. Being a vegetarian


9. Growing hair out (who has the patience?)


8. Hanging out in West Philly


7. Winterizing Beulah


6. Not taking taxis


(image courtesy The Onion
5. Reading (some people did really well at this)


4. Not eating candy


3. Spending less time on the internet

2.


1. Being Party-Retired.

(But overall, 2K7 was when we started doing things after we said we would do them.)

JUST NOW

our counter hit 4,000.

IV. TOP TEN DEAD-ASS JAWNS

Not to be mentioned again now that the doors have closed on 2K7:


10. "Kid Nation"


9. writers' strikes


8.Nikki Blonsky


7. Tiramizawesomes


6. Neocons/WMDs/Security/"Freedom Isn't Free"/etc.


5. "Digital Era"


4. "New Media"


3. Saleisha


2. New York


1. Conrad-hatin'

V. TOP TEN TEXTS

10. "People on this bus are rad. how the heal scary, steal yr soul, voodoo sort of way." - Sue to me

9. "today the lady at thriftway just told the guy in front of me she quit smoking by focusing her attention on her hobby of collecting coca-cola memorabilia." - Dan K to me

8. "So that dude who looks like Chris told me he's seen me before. I've never noticed him. I'd better open up my other eye and pay attention!" - Genna to me

7. "just finished grading (BONG RIP) h h h h also Im now going to say socratic so that it sounds like CROTCH" - Chris D to everyone

6. "earnest i love you times eight million. home safe, justt like i said. nothing like sarah. i am good at drinking i love you." - Sarah to her boss

5. "Map now. Leopardy later." - Chelsea to me

4." Why didn't you ducking come good unite you slut". - Sarah to Sue

3. (technically an e-mail, but I'll allow it):

"Ciao Bellisssima!

How was your trip back home? Hope not too boring 9hours in the train...
I'm ready to go to play the tournament today hoping to do good as on tuesday.
Meeting you has been something special to me, was long time i didn't meet a girl so beautiful and interesting as you,your wonderful eyes are on my mind... i really would love to keep in touch with you!
about me you know just a bit...the professional player part :)...
today i can tell you my birthday is july 5th and i'm a pretty good cook ;)
i send you pics looking forward to read from you
lots of kisses, Pier" - Pier to Amanda

2. "Funny things = 9 missed calls from an unsecret admirer, then me turning around and doing the same to an unsecret crush...maybe [X] and I have more in common than I thought. Lesbians love me. & genna and me spending the majority of the night trying to figure out how crad & chris decide who gets to make out with sue & settling on rockpaperscissors. You were missed." - Marilyn to me

1. "Karen and the stick hu sane remind me. T foot wake now. maybe tomorrow body wants your toast" - Sarah to Sue