FALALALALALALALALA

It's been a good week: we saw Genna and got Chris for Chris-mas, I ran into old friends from Lancaster, we saw Conrad's boyfriend Chris with the white hair, lots of Amelia and Reese, and more...


10. I got an iPod Touch for Christmas, and Marilyn got me this thing that turns your iPod into a karaoke machine. Can anyone say "New Year's Day"???

9. Josh rented a car the other night to come see us at Tequilamas. I love him.


8. Sue was really excited yesterday morning when Elizabeth, her other best friend, called her to tell her she's pregnant. When Sue asked people who they thought was pregnant, they kept saying, "Your sister?" Sue kept saying, "No, I talked to my sister this morning too, but she's not the one who's pregnant." Later, Sue said that Elizabeth has known for months, but wanted to wait until Christmas to tell everyone. Even later still, Sue's sister called back and said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you: I'm pregnant."

7. Downtown Kimmy Brown set off a fart bomb on Christmas morning. No, not with her body: it was an actual fart bomb that Sue and Marilyn put in her stocking. We all had to clear the house, and everyone who lives in South Philly went and got candles from their houses. It was awful.


6. Uh did you guys realize it's only like a few days till NYE? Let's get to hoarding those Sparks!!!

5. This was a very good way to end Christmas:



4. I turned my phone off when I was with my family yesterday. After dinner, I turned it on and there were like seven generic "Merry Christmas" messages. A few minutes later, a message showed up from Conrad. I thought, "Oh, Jesus, there is no way he's wishing everyone a merry Christmas." Sure enough, it was a mass text about Eartha Kitt dying. This made me pretty upset, but I'm calling it a funny thing because a) Eartha Kitt would die on Christmas, and b) the only thing that's going to make Conrad send a mass text on Christmas is if a gay icon dies.

R.I.P.



3. Sue gave me shotglasses made out of candy cane. The box says, "You'll never drink out of real glasses again!"

2. Sue: "It's so nice that we can hang out since none of us saw our families today...oh, wait, I guess I'm the only one that didn't see my family today."

1. The other night after Tequilamas 2K8, we ended up at Reyes' hardcore night at the Khyber, where we kind of flipped out--Ben and I kept hurling ourselves at walls, and I landed on my ass with a beer bottle under me. Dan K started throwing chairs at the DJ booth and the skylight. They came and kicked out the four DJs, who all work at Rustica. Oops, merry Christmas guys.

MY HEART GREW THREE SIZES TODAY

Let's celebrate. Merry Christmas.

Oh PS- Ben keeps singing "I Did It All for the Gnocchi."

THIS IS THE END

10. Man was I bad this year at going out. I had a good start, and the summer was productive for a while, but then I got all old and creaky and doughy and before you knew it, I was neck-deep in school and stress and not staying home because I "should," but staying home because I "wanted to." By the end of the year I was literally falling asleep at the club. Now that school's over for a month, I want to get a running start on my New Year's Resolution, which is to go out more. I arranged next semester's schedule around the gym, episodes of "Lost" and weekly Tuesday night trips to Woody's, so let's jump on the party train and try not to jump off too much. I want my hard-earned reputation back. Go hard or go home.

9. Has anybody thought about the fact that Kanye has been called gay for years, but as soon as he makes an electro-R&B album with neon 80's synthesizers and makes the daytime talk show rounds wearing shuttershades and singing through Auto-Tune in shimmery white leisure suits, the haters stop and black people start dressing like Justice?

I didn't make that Justice thing up. Seriously, come ride the subway with me sometime. Not only is my bloghouse hair a bigger hit than ever, but every dude wears black leather jackets, black tees with little neon accents, skinny jeans and black wool caps. Silver accessories are tasteful and spare.

I thought I was making this up, but then a few weeks ago I had "Cross" on at work, and these four not-indie black kids came in late at night. The one dude goes, "Aw, I didn't know they play Justice in white people restaurants," and one of the girls says, "Justice is a white dude and a Asian dude." It was all really bizarre, like Kanye just maybe turned the entire African-American community on to obscure electro, French house and disco, etc. This could mean that 2K9 will be a very exciting time for music/fashion, or I guess it could just be another dumb fad.

8. What if, in 2K9, we threw our own parties, and they looked like this?



Dance steps, new songs, VFW halls. Can we make it happen? Should we form a committee?

7. My oven got fixed. Now I have even less of a reason to go out and party. I'm going to make good on my resolution, though. Maybe I'll find ways to balance my needs: like, I'll bake a bunch of muffins and bring them to you when I meet you at Woody's.


6. Dan and I are trying to buy cases of Sparks for NYE now that it's illegal. Or we might buy a few cases and bust them out two NYE's from now, or maybe at my War of 1812-themed 32nd birthday party in four years, on the 200th anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812. Basically, we're hiding a secret Sparks-stash for the apocalypse, of which government suppression of our Right to Party is an obvious sign. In the meantime, we'll just have to go back to Sofia Cuties and cocaine.

Side note: Pedro at Rustica keeps asking me to buy him Sparks, which he calls "Esparklies."


5. Deven, on Rihanna: "I just don't get it. She's got a sevenhead."

4.


3. If every Making Time came with Amanda/Matt sightings, I would go to every Making Time. (Shut up, I've totally missed them before. I'm not going on NYE. Instead I'll be with Matt and Amanda.) Oh, were you there the other night? Yeah sorry I didn't run into you--I got there late; everyone was drunk and doing that "Hurry hurry we're all going to another floor on the other side of this place" thing; every single person I know was there; I stood there for half an hour just saying hi to people before I decided it was too much work. I had a drink with Amanda and Matt and then went the fuck home to bed.


2. My phone is turned off cause I haven't paid the bill, but I still woke up this morning and went online to check my Twitter.


1. One of our friends, who shall remain nameless, is even worse than Sarah at eating. She isn't afraid to admit she doesn't like real food, but this kid doesn't even like normal food. Some things he won't eat:
- Fruit
- Turkey
- Of course "seafood" is right out, but so is "cake"
- Vegetables
- Soup (any kind at all)
- All food made at Thanksgiving

He will eat plain cheese steaks (just cheese and steak), french fries (salt is OK, but pepper is a definite no), mozzarella sticks, and beer. He eats once a day if he remembers to. Now you know what not to get him for Christmas: food.

THINGS TO DO TONIGHT:

- Come have an Awesome for Sarah
- Super secret [holiday] party for [a certain] Skateshop
- I'll be stopping by after said secret party to have one beer before I announce that I'm broke

THINK PINK!!! BEFORE IT'S 2K9...

OK, I'm done for the semester.

Meanwhile, I've fallen in love with a movie.

We have a meaningful relationship:

""think pink.!!!!""FUNNY FACE 1956
Uploaded by dividu

I'm off from school for a month. May it be full of confetti, glitter, broken hearts, and the last few legal orange vomits. And may it be bloggable...

BUT IF BABY I'M THE BOTTOM, YOU'RE THE TOP!

Five funny things about my day of Christmas shopping with my mom and sister:

5. Mom was really, really nervous about the subway. Apparently, trains scare her. There's a one-and-a-half-foot-wide yellow line painted on the edge of the orange line platform; when I stepped on it to look for the train, she sucked in her breath really loudly and started to hyperventilate. Then some water rushed through the grate under the rails below, and she jumped. OK, note to self: don't take Mom on the subway.

4. We went from this:



to this:



It was difficult to ignore the recent developments in communications technologies.

3. For some reason, there is a tiny, adorably cozy-looking little Korean restaurant in the basement of Suburban Station. I mean, it looks like it should be anywhere else but there, with little two-tops tucked away in candlelit corners and tiny paper-walled alcoves with miniature landscape sculptures of meadows and working waterwheels. Who knows about this place?


2. At the Macy's show, Julie Andrews' recorded voice says, "Visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads," and a six-year-old beside me said, "Why?"

1. I win best thing of the week, or maybe the year.

My mom asked me about tops and bottoms.



Actually, she asked me, "Say you're a gay man, and you're at a bar, and you want to meet somebody and take them home. How do you figure out which one's going to be the man and which one's the woman?"

If you know my mom, then you know it's true that I win Best Funny Thing 2K8.

PS - Later, she said, "Well, do you..." and trailed off. I think she was going to ask me if I was a top or a bottom. I started talking about Martha Stewart's pinecone owl ornaments.

WEEK IN REVIEW

10. First family Thanksgiving with wine. The weirdest part was nobody mentioning how weird it was that we were all drinking. We hung out for hours, then watched a movie. It was chill and perfect.


9. Apparently, my aunt is friends with the Jonas Brothers' parents. She was obviously a little upset when another aunt told her she didn't like the Jonas Brothers because they're not as Christian as MIley Cyrus.

8. I asked Travis on Facebook to tell me something I don't know about his life in Maine, and he wrote, "It's like a million degrees and we each speak eight languages."


7. Sue and Conrad "rescued" a lot of Superfood from the dumpsters at the Odwalla factory with the help of some renegade freegans.

6. Amber won't stop threatening to beat me and my sister in the face with rocks because she finds us attractive. Also, I'm glad that I got a lot of Dane this week. Can we say let's bring back Dane for good?

5. I spent Thursday with my family, a puppy and my boyfriend, and I spent Friday with my childhood best friends and Ben Gallman's parents. I seem to be failing at perpetuating my unwholesome personal brand.

4.This:


3. Whoever has the pictures of me asleep at Alexi's, covered in ketchup, send them to me. Oh, and while you're at it, the pictures of me asleep in my living room covered in stuffed animals, and the pictures of me asleep at Kurt and Julia's covered in pretzels. And the picture of me from years ago, on Kurt and Julia's old couch, masturbating in my sleep.

2. Quitting smoking. I haven't cheated. But it made me really, really mean at Thanksgiving Eve's Thanksgiving dinner. Sorry, guys. This would be why I got really mad and berated Rob for "tricking me" when I didn't know that a Quizzo song was by Blondie. I was wearing a Blondie T-shirt.


1. On Thanksgiving night, I was at some bar with Eric, Chris, and the Irish philosophers, and some guy asked us if we were members of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

SNOW!!!

I GIVE A HOOTIE

PART ONE



Ben and I watched the CMAs. Somehow, the two presenters, a man and a woman, won Best Male and Best Female Artist, respectively. Exciting.

Meanwhile, we saw Hootie's comeback as a country star. Darius Rucker, the maverick of Nashville. We finally live in a black country. That means it's time for the return of black Country.

PART TWO



I love spending time with the baby, but today I realized he won't be here around Christmas time, and I got nostalgic for the pre-baby Hazel House party days.

Anybody want to help throw a Holiday Party here? Like, a real one. Let me know if you're in. Let's try to outdo Hallowe'en.

10 FURRY SHAVES

No-shave November: is it happening?



I've never participated, being generally of the bearded persuasion for between 11 and 12 months of the year, but preferring never to look like a sea captain. However, I've always enjoyed the thrill of being a spectator in the world of competitive barbering.

Are you keeping not shaving? Are you a bearded wierded?

Send me pictures and I will post them.

NOT FUNNY THINGS

1. I've felt different since the Obama win. I've wanted different things and realized I have beliefs I didn't know about. We partied on the streets of West Philly for hours that night, with African drummers leading the gyrating crowd in shouts of "Obama!" and "Dahlak the vote!" Everybody knew what it meant, because we've come to believe we're intelligent enough to understand subtlety and seeming contradiction. That night, race was exposed for what it was: a construct designed on nothing, no predictable biological factors or inherent value of individual human beings. The truth is, many such superfluous social constructs exist only to give more power to certain individuals and to deny it to others who are equally deserving. So the way that I changed last Tuesday was simple: I wondered what we've all been doing for the last eight years (or the last twenty-eight years). Obviously, we were cynical about activism, intellectualism, and risk-taking because we knew we couldn't win. Now, though, it seems we can.
Please don't think this was an epiphany for me. As Kingsley Amis wrote, "Nothing short of physical handicap ever made anyone turn over a new leaf." Consider it as a starting point I've chosen for meditating on how I can be more effective as a citizen. I know I can't go from Party Queen to Abbie Hoffman overnight, and anyway, I don't want to be Abbie Hoffman. But hey, you know, baby steps.
This Saturday there's a protest about the big issue affecting my people, the gheys:



Find me there. My goal is to party when I have a reason to party. In the meantime, Alabama got me so upset, Tennessee make me wanna lose my rest, and everybody knows about California Goddam.

Maybe you've missed this video. Remember how when Obama won, it felt suddenly not like just a win for African-Americans, but for all Americans? Well, guess what. I don't even ever want to get married, but this is my problem, and it's your problem too, as citizens of an unjust land:



I love you guys. Let's do this, and when we win, let's party for real.

2. Acing my classes.

3. Happy birthday Kimmy.

4. Mar, I love your hair.

5. Sarah, that was the best dream ever.

6. Hey you-know-who, stop farting at the Barbary. I wasn't there, but I keep hearing about it.

7. The electricity isn't working in half of my house. If I burn to death in my sleep because of an electrical fire, know that I love you all and Dan gets what's left of my CDs and records, to be distributed amongst you as he sees fit.

8. Anybody who can get me all the "True Blood" episodes within the week gets a kiss.

9. This blog isn't so much Ten Funny anymore as probably whatever I want to throw up here, hopefully still funny most of the time.

10. Miss youse guys.

I'M SORRY

I haven't been the most blog-responsible person, especially in the last couple of weeks.

Some commitments I've failed to meet in the last few weeks:

1. My commitment to shallow, unedited, gossipy blogging about what is basically nothing more than a hazy recollection of uninteresting events...i.e, the stories of your lives and mine (with pictures of shirtless vampires/French people/next-presidents)

2. My commitment to watching the entire series of "The Golden Girls" by the end of the year (it's not going as well as I'd hoped...you'd think I have 24 minutes here and there, but apparently not)

3. My commitment to restoring this blog to its former glory of basically being a place to make fun of Conrad

I'll try harder, I promise. Posting the flyer for SHALLOWEEN 2K8 later today...remember, 10.24.2K8. Head on down to Jo-Mar and get you a costume.

Love.

NO PICTURES PLEASE

When the psychoactive ingredient in your illegal tequila kicks in, nothing fun will happen. You'll just get really bugged out by anybody who wants to talk to you. It's OK! You have something to enjoy now, a brand new pastime: pretending to be way more drunk than you already are. This might work, and people will leave you alone when you sloppily (don't forget to be extra sloppy!) push them away with your palm.

Or, they might just get all, "Hey guys Andy's drunk let's fuck with him and put our hands all up in his face!"

Soon, those four Sparks you forced down (for "old times' sake") will kick in, and you'll be as drunk as you wanted to appear. Now you will develop "elephantitis." (thanks Eric)

ELEPHANTITIS - Light a cigarette, take a drag, lean on your arm (which is hovering in the air) and fall dead asleep. Your forearm will careen around in front of you like a trunk. Gah.

Oh don't worry, you'll have lots of memories tomorrow, after you're whisked away into a cab and helped into bed and out of your clothes. (thanks Eric, you letch) Or at least, after you see pictures of the party in a few days and find out how many of your friends that you thought never made it did, in fact, and smiled for the camera with you and danced with you (alone, because you were careening around dancing alone).

MEMOREEEEEEZ!


Also, Dan K woke up the next morning in his car outside of Mar and Sue's house with one lens missing from his glasses and a gash next to his eye. WE CLASSY!

_______________
_______________
_______________

Also, official planning meetings for Shallowe'en 2K8 are in effect this week. Don't make plans for 24 October, because we're making them for you. BOO!

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING

more animals
Some old, some new. Invite me!

10. THIS podcast

9. THIS drug

8. THIS opera


7. THIS hobby

6. THIS sexual position


5. THIS food

4. THIS website

3. THIS album

2. THIS DJ mix (really, really)

1. THIS TV show

TOP 10 MOST-FEARED COSTUME NO-NOS FOR SHALLOWE'EN 2K8

Come on, I've been trying out an Amazing Criswell costume, and now I can sense you've been considering some hoooorrrrible costume ideas. Please don't. Just stick with Vampire or Sexcop.


NEVER FAILS!!!
(TRUE BLOOD!!!!)

DON'T WEAR THE FOLLOWING COSTUMES TO MY PARTY, or you'll be turned away at the door.

10. BAIKEN
Don't be Clay Aiken's baby or anything to do with Clay Aiken. Christ, why is it always the fugly ones that come out? Like that lesbian folk singer Lance Bass or the old man that's marrying Portia De Rossi?
And now the Faglys are breeding. There are so many teeerrrrrifying aspects to the phrase, "Clay Aiken donated his sperm to a friend in order to have a child." That sentence will give me nightmares for the next forty-one years.
On second thought, this is a great costume. Anything to do with the Claiken Monster and the Baby Claiken Monster.

Immaculate (Baster Injected) Conception 2K8 youse guys!!!

(PS - Can we take bets on who's uncloseting themselves next since things come in threes? Apparently the LiLo told some dumb reporter the other night that she's officially dating whatsername.
Anderson Cooper? Oprah and GAYle? Dora the Explora? Conor Oberst (post-Bright Eyes)?
Taking votes.

WILD CARD GALLERY:


DennReyn,
and
+4VR!!!
(Sue and Keanu Reeves, the best gay couple ever)
and

Gayzmo.

2K8 is GAY 'N' GR8!)

9. SARAH PALIN

This is a picture of Brad Pitt's beard and baby mama dressed as Sarah Palin, or, as I like to call her, SARS-PAL.

She's too scary even for Hallowe'en, and every girl's already thought of it. She's like the Winehouse last year.

Over before she even began. 'Member? 'Member her?*

Next year, though if (OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD)Sarah and her dad lose the election, she'll be the best costume ever.

(*If you're going to a really boring party you don't care about, and you happen to have long hair and glasses, I guess you could say you're being Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. Someone boring and attractive might be impressed.)

8. "VAMPIRE WEEKEND," OTHER VISUAL PUNS
Can we be over punstumes? Bad idea that I overheard at Temple: assemble a group of four friends dressed like vampires with sun visors and beach towels and be "Vampire Weekend. NO!

7. Kathie Lee Gifford

SHE'S BAAAAAACK!!!

(But I will accept "Kathie Animatedlee .GIFford.")

6. Reality TV Stars
Everyone's a reality TV star already. For example, here are just a few:

and
+4V4!!!
and

.)

5. THE FLAP-FLASHIN' HOLLYWOOD HO

The aforementioned LiLo, et al...unless you're gonna go all the way

4. OBAMA, OR ANY BLACKFACE/YELLOWFACE/&c

...this keeps happening and it's pret-ty boring...assuming you're not black (although if you are, for fuck's sake let me know so I feel better about my blawg)...also, put that Hillz mask back in the box of stuff from Shallowe'en '97

(God but isn't he the sexiest future world leader?)

3. LOCAL PHILLY CELEBRITIES
Dumb. Don't.

2. DENNIS REYNOLDS IN THE GORILLA MASK


Oooooohhhhhhh this would be a bad idea. None of your friends would ever be able to look at you again. Not one. Ever.

*(This picture isn't what a 'gorilla mask' is)

1. MARIE ANTOINETTE

Because Minkelstein and I already called it. Don't ruin my SHALLOWE'EN!!!


ALTERNATE SUGGESTIONS
Stick to things you know, like:
Hall and Oates, Cher, Vampires (not the weekend kind), the cast of "Square One," Angela Chase/Jordan Catalano/Ricky, etc, Phish Phans, Gorilla in a Dennis Reynolds Mask, Ghosts, Conor Oberst (post-Bright Eyes), Mummies, Monsters, Joan Crawford/Faye Dunaway As Joan Crawford, Mr. Miyagi, Motorhead, Witch, Slimer


AWWW SLIMER!!!

RETARDED EYEWEAR

Why do all the stores in CC stop selling sunglasses the first week of fall? The sun's out 7/365 last time I checked (today).



I never spend more than 6 or 7 dollars on shades because I always lose them or break them. Or 1) get drunk at the Barbary 2) wear them on the dance floor (dumb) 3) put them on other people 4) tell them about my rule about other people keeping my clothes if they look better in them and then 5) wake up the next morning wondering where my shades went.



So the paint or vinyl or whatever on my most recent pair of shades started peeling off and I went to five different stores looking for more.


Lots of sales but no shades!!!

Then I sucked in my dignity and headed for Ughrban:


When I got there, there was a family outside whose daughter had Down Syndrome. They were all fawning over the new shiny gold sunglasses she had just bought. (Fortunately, she wasn't in shuttershades or anything that would make her look, uh, retarded.)



This girl just looked so happy about her sunglasses, not like in some "Sixth Sense" kid/Sean Penn/teary-eyed awards speech faux inspiring way, but like she had just bought these bangin' shades and she wished her family would go away, stop treating her like a retard and leave her alone to go show off a little at Rittenhouse. She didn't look cute and adorable because she's got DS, just cause of those shades!!!

So I went in and bought a pair and spent three times as much as I usually do. It was worth it. Now I know how that girl feels and it is awesome!



Just like these but not Ray-Ban and all gold. So cliche and Williamsburgy but I feel challenged!

NVR N'D

Register Boy was ringing me up this morning for my coffee and freaked out about my shirt:



...because of "The Never Ending Story", obv:



...and called everybody behind the counter over to look at it. One girl got excited about my hair and said, "You look just like Perez Hilton!"


[UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY]

THAT CUNT RUINED MY DAY!!!

MARK THY CALENDARS

Call the temps...

9.26.2K8 - Birthdayx1MIL for Mar, Mink, Rander
10.24.2K8 - SHALLOWE'EN 2K8 at Berks Warehouse
10.25.2K8 - Women, MRT and secret Milkmen at Johnny Brenda's

Also, PRTY BY PRXY last night:


From Little S* DO-TEXT:
"This boy just invited me to the bathroom for a 'quick interaction with colombia'"