TEXT-SAVER, ANYTIME THIS WEEKEND

Take me to the mountains and I will give you free booze.

CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER MAGICIAN'S NAME THAN "CON-FUCKING-RAD"?

10. Deborah is French? Is that real?

9. I told J not to go to Delilah's without $200. It was his first time going to a strip joint. Next thing I knew, I turned around and there he was, taking $200 out of the ATM. Good man! Listen, even I have an awesome time at Delilah's. (But not without $200.)

8. Not a funny thing, but a big-up: Congratulations to Dan; apparently the new Women record that came in the mail tonight is awesome. I can't wait to hear it.

7. You work somewhere for three years; the boss's friend, who you've seen five days a week for three years and who runs a restaurant where you used to eat and drink all the time, buys you a drink from across the bar; and that's great. I mean, really, I'm grateful. Thanks, PD. But...really? You told the bartender my name was Rustica? Three years, PD. Three years.

6. Hot on the heels of the Camel Girl who showed up at our house party last week, one of our friends who we haven't seen in a while is now a Camel Girl, and I am going to make her start working our parties.

5. Kevin: Another PBR?
Me: Actually, can I have one of those?
Kevin: What, the vodka tonic?
Me: No, the High Life.
Kevin: (without a trace of irony) Oh, you're moving up in the world!

Speaking of which, I hope he gets this job he wants, but what will we do without our favorite bartender? Go back to Kenny?

4. It's hard to get into the El Camino, because suddenly you're surrounded, and it's like having a basket of babies and puppies, only instead of a big crowd of girls cooing, it's guys making loud whooping sounds like they just got laid or took the best shit of their lives.

3. After they leave, Steve Miller comes up to your car looking really pissed off and says, "Yo, were those guys giving you shit?" Love, people. Love.

2. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to the mountains for the weekend. Except, you know, I don't have a ride, and the car that's going is full without me. And it's my free weekend left over from the Christmas Bonus this year! So I spent the night inviting everyone I knew, and almost everyone had plans. I even met two people and invited them. Not into it.

1. Big news. Potentially, big big news. Would it be wrong of me to divulge the details for #1? How about this: ask Conrad what big giant thing happened tonight at Silk City, and if he acts like he doesn't know what you mean, ask what Diplo's doing on his next tour.

BARBECUE, BALLGAMES, BANNED

The barbecue was an almost-perfect way to spend Memorial Day. Thanks to the entire city of Philadelphia for showing up. Besos.


10. I missed the part where "Duder" (Christ, that's actually what people call him) robbed our beer. For that, he's banned for life from Beulah II. Revenge, bitches!!!

9. Earlier in the day, when I was coming back from "Da Ac-a-me," I met my neighbor Chico and his wife and mother. Chico was really sweet and offered to lend me his pit bull/chow mix for a week or two so any burglars in the neighborhood would think I had a big scary dog. It got even weirder when he told me that dog is the only one that should ever leave the house, because the other two might kill somebody. Thanks, Chico!

8. Foursquare. Burgers. Beer. Good people. Sunshine. This formula is really starting to work for us.


7. Sidewalk chalk all over the street? Check. P.S. got a little upset when people started to turn her "abstract experiments" into representational things like cute sea turtles. Oh, lighten up, girl. Mwah.

6. Gary, I'm sorry I started a rumor that you were playing tennis at a country club when you were only playing volleyball at an "airplane pool" (I don't know what that means).

5. Champagne, beer, Bloody Marys, Clamato beer, and vodka-with-melted-green-apple-water ice are a bad combination. Somehow, though, I survived. Just keep 'em comin', folks.

4. I gave beer to the Chinese (?) guys cleaning out the house across the street. They just kept saying, "Thank you very much" over and over again. OK neighbors!!!


3. Another thing I missed: some dude running through the foursquare game, then two cops chasing him? And one of the cops falling on his face in front of my house??? Where the hell was I???


2. Seriously, the weirdly broad spectrum of people that showed up makes me feel very happy and loved. Dear old and new friends, Christians, philosophers, the gay mafia, skate rats, and migrant workers, I hope you all had as great of a time as I did. I think we'll do this again soon, probably for my birthday. (And, you know, this time, no beer stealing and no climbing into the neighbor's backhoe, and we should have a perfect day.)


1. I don't remember Ben coming back, but apparently we watched cartoons until I fell asleep. Woke up at seven the next morning on the couch. Sorry I missed the Barbary! Ah well, next time.

CAR WASH

Hey kittens,

Come to my house for a barbecue today. Let's get memorial!
In the meantime, here's your Memorial Day mix:

GET MEMORIAL
1. Lollipop (Remix) - Lil' Wayne
2. Seconds - Human League
3. Baby (Breakbot Remix) - PNAU
4. Pogo (Shinichi Osawa Remix) - Digitalism
5. Flawless (ATOC Re-Remix) - The Ones
6. Lady - Modjo
7. All Over Your Face (Original Extended Mix) - Cazwell
8. Lupita - Panico
9. Lights Out (Remix) - Santogold
10. Bendable Poseable - Hot Chip
11. O Superman (Booka Shade vs. M.A.N.D.Y. Remix) - Laurie Anderson
12. Hercules Theme - Hercules and Love Affair
13. Hold On - HOLY GHOST!
14. Sunset Beach (CFCF Remix) - The Teenagers
15. I'll Be By Your Side (Rude 66 808 Remix) - Sally Shapiro
16. Star Guitar (f/ Au Revoir Simone) - Shinichi Osawa

& moving on...
Last night's ten funny things:



10. At a house party in NoLibs, two El Caminos lined with tarps, filled with water. People were baby-pooling. Amazing and a dream of mine come true.

9. Sue: "I like that at this party, boys in flip-flops and girl's bathing suits make the cut."

8. Sue, again: "Radiohead does not make dancing songs. This is dumb."


7. I'm glad I posted that "Bachelorette Party" image the other day, because there really was an Old City bachelorette party last night that made its way to the Barbary. These girls had penis whistles around their necks and everything. This is further evidence for my theory that the human race has evolved to the point where we imagine something, throw it out there on the internet, and it manifests itself IRL in a day or two at the latest.


6. OMG I love SGT. SASS!!!

5. I don't know, Matt showed me the "secret bathroom" at the Barbary once and told me it was probably OK for me to use it whenever, so I do it sometimes. Last night, the second time I went to go in there, I got yelled at by some dude who was all, "Hey! You can't go there! Get out!" So I did, because I ain't tryin' to cause a scene, but then after a few minutes I realized he didn't work at the Barbary at all; he was just another drunken asshole.


4. Sneaking in champagne is the new sneaking in beer. (I didn't do it, but I'm in love with the people who did.)

3. I promised I wouldn't make out with A. So, I didn't make out with A, because I keep my promises. OK, so I did make out with B, though. Whoops.

2. Now that a group of people consistently greets me with, "HEY GIRL!" I feel completely at home.


1.. Conrad, please please please please please never get rid of that El Camino. I feel like fucking royalty driving around in that thing. I want to just cruise around sometime and show off the fact that I am inside it. Can we do that?

TEXT-SAVER, 5/22-25

THURSDAY:
1. I won tickets to see X. Taking Reyes. See you assholes afterwards.

2. Welcome Genna to her new house.

3. Silk City. Guest DJ from my favorite blog, Discobelle from Sweden!

FRIDAY:
1. Mammoth house cleaning and cocktails at inappropriate times to celebrate having a real weekend on my schedule two weekends in a row this month.

2. NOOOOOO!!!



Parties that make you sad and happy at the same time are the weirdest.

SATURDAY:
1. Recovery.

2. Suggestions? I'm looking at Steve's thing at the Barbary, Riverdeck invasion (looks like somebody beat us to it), or let's get dressed up and do Mojito. Not kidding!

"I'M GONNA WORK ON THIS FRY FOR A WHILE"

10. X are old. Really really old. With Gary Glitter missing in action, Billy Zoom (above) is now the creepiest old man in rock, and he kept sticking his tongue out at girls and making them touch his guitar. They were good, but he was gross. Exene kept yelling at him and acting like he was an asshole.

9. James is coming tonight? And Steve?

8. JENNY GODDAMN JUPITER! Summer must be here, because Silk City was a maelstrom of old faces I hadn't seen in a year or two. All the freaks were out:

Freaks Come Out at Night - Whodini

Incidentally, thank you Christopher for that song--it stopped me dead in my tracks. I hadn't heard it since probably 1990, when I was ten years old. There was a house party across the street from my house--thrown by those strange evil creatures that roamed our neighborhood aimlessly--teenagers--and my conservative Christian parents, terrified that I would be eternally corrupted if I saw whatever was happening over there, ordered me to bed early. Of course, my room was in the front of the house, so I did what any red-blooded American would do and leaned out the window to get as corrupted as possible. This song came on, with its weird robot vocals, and it blew my mind. I really thought the lyrics were, "The Flinstones and the Go-Bots, the Flintstones gotta fly." Awesome, right? I ran down to tell my parents all about the undiscovered country of American pop music and the fantastic narratives it spun--the ancient past of cavemen and the glorious future of superhero sentient robot protectors meeting in the electric present moment of summer heat at the end of the millenium--just to sing and dance--and was commanded to shut my window and go to sleep. But for the next year or two, I wandered around my house making up robot dances, singing, "The Flintstones and the Go-Bots, the Flintstones gotta fly." I wanted to party really really bad with people in leopard-print tunics and robot voices. Two years later, at a family wedding, my fifteen-year-old aunt, who looked exactly like Madonna, dragged me out onto the dance floor to learn how to Vogue, and, well, the rest is history.






And what the hell:

Madonna - 1990 MTV Vogue
Uploaded by bebepanda

7. Free drinks are great, but not when twenty people are trying to get the bartender's attention and he ignores all of them to hand you a beer and very visibly waves away your money. You know what happens next? I can tell you: everyone turns around and looks at you with rather unhappy expressions.

6. My heroes are those people who just say "fuck this heat" and start their own dance party outside.


5. Rob tried to hold a table for us before we got there, but he had to compete with a table full of tube top-wearing bitches from New Jersey. I texted him to tell them that a hungry gay man was on the way and he would claw their eyes out. He texted back, "I did. They said the gay man has to be here to prove it."

4. Conrad spilled the contents of Angela's purse all over the ground beneath our table. That kid is smooth.


3. Sue tried to eat a French fry. One. She couldn't make it work, so she thought about just eating the soft inside of this single French fry and not the fried outer layer. That was difficult, too. Finally, she sucked some ketchup off the tip of one, and that gave her enough determination to work on the fry until it was eaten. I am proud to say that in the end, she ate more than half of the French fry.


2. This morning, JK woke me up to tell me his brother was missing, his phone was shut off, and the cops were calling their parents because they found Conrad's car smashed up at 6th and Tasker. Eventually I found Conrad, safe and sound--a moving truck had plowed into the back of his car early this morning while he was asleep. So, that sucks for him, but let me tell you, there is nothing scarier than waking up and thinking your roommate and BFF is dead, and nothing funnier than seeing him burst into the room in a suit jacket with lightning bolts on the lapel.


1. At 2:30 in the morning, Reyes showed up and started knocking on my window. Ben and I were watching a movie inside. I don't know how to describe how fucked up Reyes was--he was on his little stunt bike, twitching and convulsing and yelling about the Republican club. Then he repeated my address a few times and started guffawing and shouting, "Ferris Beulah's day off, that's what this street is!" until he biked home. I can definitely say that this kid is awesome and I'm glad he's my neighbor.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE:


10. Twice this month I've been to the M Room - it's good to see people from there again. Last night Kenny was working. First he and Eric talked about Wittgenstein for a while because Kenny has a quote from Wittgenstein tattooed on his arm, and then the three of us got into a stooooooooopid argument about whether the word "pale" is an adjective or an adverb in the sentence, "The man became pale." (Adjective, by the way, and it's really really obvious, but try telling Eric.)


9. The other day, Conrad's bike broke in half. While he was riding it. They gave him a refund and he stole a bike from a drug dealer.


8. I was in a music video. When they post it, I'll post it here.


7. Sue's unwired. She is Philadelphia Citywide Free Wireless. Today, I watched her eat a sweet potato.

6. Conrad brought home a giant vibrating metal tabletop football game from the 50s. You should come hear it.


5. New favorite blog: Christophresh. I might start to bite off him a little and throw some music up here.

4. Kimmy and I almost actually got married by Dan, who's a preacher in the Universal Life Church, but he's not sure whether it would be legal in Pennsylvania...if so, it could have become a problem for us later.

3. NO MORE NIGHTLIFE PHOTOGRAPHERS!!! Or a break, at least. I'll pose with Sue's mouth if they ask me to, though.


2. A recent text from Eric while he was at MT:

"Mar is all like they're not really playing. And I'm all, what? How are they possibly not totz stonerz"

(I have no idea what that means; probably, neither does Eric.)


1. Last night. Afterparty at Beulah II. Alan and his crew left at 6-ish to go to bed. I've never outlasted him before. Ah, but there can only be one.