A SLUGGISH RETURN

I want you all to imagine something for a minute. Maybe this will get you in the mood for the summer...



I just did a search for "Madonna" to get "4 Minutes," because thank God my ipod is working again, and one of the songs that came up was "Intervention." For a moment, my knowledge of gay history failed me, and I imagined that she had covered the Arcade Fire:



Which, in turn, led me to the realization that it may be true that there is no Arcade Fire song that couldn't be made just a little bit better by having Madonna sing on it, somewhere. I'm not really expecting you people to get behind me on this one, but you know, that's how I feel. I mean, it worked for Gogol Bordello, right?

Anyway, so 10 Funny is back. I promised Genna. A birthday promise. So here's her birthday party:


TEN FUNNY THINGS ABOUT GENNA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY


10. B. How are you?
A. Lovely. Hey, your mullet is looking great.
B. I'm thinking of cutting it off, dahlin'. Yaws looks like it could use some hay-elp.


9. Guests who arrive at 9:15. 9:15? Really? Good people, and I would have loved to have invited you in for dinner and gotten to know you better, but the fact is, I was eating dinner. Also, I hadn't even moved the furniture yet. I wonder what you did for two hours? (Poor thing, he looked miserable when I told him nobody would get there until at least 11.)


8. Mar's strawberries and champagne caused a flurry of confused allegiance to utensils: should we drink it? Use forks? Dig those chopsticks out of the trash? Are we even allowed to drink it? I directed the more bewildered constituents to the beer. Meanwhile, I drank and ate like a king. Thanks, Mar. You now have your assignment for Brunchfest 2K8.


7. Heatherette dolls? Classic gift. Thank you, Rob, for being in our lives. For my birthday, I want Amanda Lepore herself to appear. See what you can do.



6. Genna and Marilyn dance-protecting the ipod from Party Steve after he misguidedly skipped "Whatta Man." [Shudder] Never, ever, ever skip that song, everybody. Especially when there are girls in the room.


5. Not really a Funny Thing, but everybody who didn't know Genna wanted to know who she was so they could wish her a happy birthday and/or give her a present. Once again, as always, when I get my friends together, they reaffirm my faith in humankind by being sweet, laid-back and awesome. But I'm gushing. Oh, I'm all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: the bulldozer in my backyard is neither a bull nor a dozer. Discuss.


4. Open-door policy? No. Sorry, K. Never again. From now on, please keep the doors and windows closed. I'll get A/C if I have to. A/C is my middle name. (Just kidding; it's my initials.) Permissive cops? Yes please. When the cop (note: singular) came, she said, "Are you having a party?" I pointed to the twenty people in the street and then to the million people inside. She laughed and said, "OK, well the neighbors made a noise complaint about the music, so if you keep the music off, we won't have to come back and disperse the party." Somehow, in Sue-and-Andy-ese, this translated as, "Move yourself and your 124 friends across the street." Awesome.


3. Saliva-ed peppermint sticks in people's hair. BG, one day someone is going to stop laughing and hurt you. Until then, I've got your back.


2. I learned how to be mean. I didn't think I was that drunk, but according to my sister, I said a lot of things I don't remember, so I must have been. One of them was when some tall douchebag kept holding his bottle in my ceiling fan, so I told him to stop (I remember that), he said, "How is that your business?" (I remember that), I said, "It's my fucking house, you asshole" (I kind of remember that); and then, apparently, when he did it again, I told him to get the fuck out and somehow made him leave. That part I do not remember. Nor do I remember yelling at a bunch of other people that night for being similarly insensitive to personal property boundaries, but apparently, it's true. Uh, go me.


1. Somebody on Beulah St. woke up the next morning to find candy all over the house-the table, the walls, the floor. Apparently, she grabbed a bunch of Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip that was on the table and crammed it into her mouth, only to find that it tasted horrible, like laundry detergent. Yes, friends, our little girl had accidentally got her first mouthful of cocaine. Ah, the party life. Live here long enough, and if you don't find it, I guess it finds you.