Having bunkered down in my apartment all weekend, I did not encounter much hilarity this week. So let me just share with you three gems from Halloween--some of you non-partakers may know this night simply as Wednesday.
1) Sitting at the bar at the Standard Tap....CHRIS: What exactly IS Art for Art's Sake? ME: Well, it's really complicated because some would argue that it literally cannot exist, but ( WHACK!!!!! Chris smacks my head causing my "miner's" light to jump to life. We all find this hysterical and this becomes the game of the night--until I get a headache and take it off.)
2) After digging in the candy bowl, Marilyn surfaces with a blue lollipop. MARILYN: I shouldn't have this. It will make my tongue blue. ME: Have it! Your tongue's gonna be blue later anyway. MARILYN: You're right. (pops it in her mouth)
Why did I say that? But more importantly, why did it make sense to M?
3) Andy waiting outside the bathroom for me at Silk City. Here's what I hear: RANDOM GIRL: You are so good-looking. ANDY: Thank you. I'm gay. RG: Oh, I know. I wasn't hitting on you or anything. ME (as I slam the bathroom door open): Wait! You're GAY????!!! RG looks scared and confused that she just outed Andy.
No more staying in on weekends equals more funny things next week.
P.S. My cousin's band is coming in from L.A. to play at Johnny Brenda's Wednesday night. Come with me!!! He's fun and his bandmates are good for at least 11 funny things.
1. (Regarding putting on a bra) "I just feel like it's a good idea...you know, as a courtesy."
2. (Regarding prostitution) "Casi? He could touch my boobs for two months rent. I'd even let him kiss them for three." (SN)
3. (Regarding certain accusations) "I don't understand why people think I'm mean to Sue...is it because I say things like 'don't set that drink down. Sue will knock it over because she's a dumb whore'?". Yeah, that's why.
The other super good part of the night was when Steve Miller spent about a million years trying to convince us that Belfast was NOT in Ireland. He's some kind of expert because he looked it up on his phone-thing.
2. Jo's Mary-Kate: "It hurts. It hurts. God, I'm so rich. It hurts."
3. Celebritywe'en2K7: Courtney Love, Rihanna, Lagerfeld, Mr. T, Slash, Akon, Dougherty, Terry Richardson, Alf, Chewbacca, Gene Simmons, Mary-Kate, Siouxsie Sioux, a million Winehouses, David Bowie, Donovan McNabb, Michael Vick, Prince, Wes Anderson characters, etc. I'm glad I didn't go as the Macy's Gift Card Virus, because two other people did. Big props to doggy-eyed "Sue," complete with chemical burns and glowsticks.
4. Pun-stumes: Genna's Golddigger (that's a shovel in her hand); Booby Trap (mouse traps on the girl's boobs); my favorite, the guy who had a gift tag around his neck that said: "TO: WOMEN FROM: GOD"
5. Everyone asked me all night if I knew that I had blood under my nose.
6. Now I get the weird phenomenon of photoblogging: when you walk around taking random pictures of people, everybody wants to be your friend. Kind of fun, definitely pretty pathetic.
7. When we got to Silk, people kept telling me, "You missed it!" I think they were talking about the band. But seriously, people, please don't ever, ever say this phrase to me. It freaks me right out.
8. The RUBA bartender shines flashlights in the DJs' eyes when he wants them to turn the music down.
9. "Top Model"/"GG" "recap episodes? NOT funny. A kitchen counter full of liquor and champagne bottles that look suspiciously like those used on airline flights? YES funny.
10. At the end of the night, when Marilyn and I went into Genna's to get our bags, for some reason, everyone followed us in. Like ten people. All the way up the stairs. Two people yelled a lot about drugs. Then we all went back down and went home.
More to come tomorrow, but here's everything that's going on tonight.
1. If you wanted, you could go to Baltimore for that Dan Deacon thing. I wish, but I think I want to stay in Philly so I don't have to sleep on somebody's floor. SHIT! That makes me so OLD!
2. Or you could stay in Philly. Everything fun is happening in NoLibs until late, when the party train moves down south.
SPOOOOOOKKKKYYYYY:
7pm: Remember Bethany Brooks from Houghton? She has a bluegrass band now called--hell yeah--Wissahickon Chicken Shack. I'm really excited about the videos on their myspace. It finally feels like autumn outside--don't banjos and hard cider sound like the perfect way to kick off the evening? (At the Fire, 4th and Girard.)
8pm:
It seems everyone has the same idea this year: "Top Model" with the ANTM crew of your choice--in costumes. Maybe I'll dress as that horse bitch Ebony this year. Thank Christ she spoke up last week, right?
9pm:
Assuming we skip "Gossip Girl" -- and really, maybe we shouldn't, because everything will still be there an hour later: House parties in Northern Liberties--they're everywhere. Plus North 3rd has a party, and of course the legendary party at the Standard Tap -- the costumes there have to be seen to be believed. People work on them all year. Anyway, if you're hungry, I'll get you free pizza next door.
PARTY O'CLOCK:
Yes please...hey, I just noticed the free drinks from 9-10...maybe if we do "Gossip Girl," we should keep running over and taking shots at commercials, right? RACE YA!
This month-ish must be coming to an end, and I guess we'll either remember it as the "Time We Went Through a Million Glowsticks", or "The Time Everyone Wore Those Glow-in-the-dark Sunglasses (and had their picture taken)", or "The Time All Anybody Listened to was Beach House All the Time".
Anyway, here's a favorite moment:
Last night SN finds out it's the last day of McDonald's Monopoly. So at in the middle of the night, we rented a car, with intentions of collecting a mil discarded (for now they're obsolete!) Monopoly-piece-ridden cups from McD's dumpsters. Our minds filled with visions of collecting all the right Park Places and hitting the half mil (or whatever) jackpot. We hit five Mickey's, between 1:30 and 2:30am, no dice. No dice/no cups/no pieces/no reason to quit our jobs BUT we had some awesome radio sing-alongs.
(Another funny thing is when I accidentally posted this blog somewhere else. To strangers.)
Oh, and thanks A, for hosting "Tuesday Night Euchre with the Kolos Boys".
"one two three jump!" sue said every time we approached the corner with a puddle of water she wanted to jump over while walking, holding onto my collar and sharing an umbrella. "i don't want to jump sue" "i know im sorry..its ok...i wont do it again, two three jump!"
sue apparently likes the def.
from any room in the house or outside ryan and i could hear sue.
$5 bet to talk everything sexy instead of drunk.
walking home sue told me (literally) every thirty seconds that my outfit was so good. she kept looking back up from the ground and thinking i was actually ben franklin.
sue lost her keys. again. but really, they were in her wallet.
while making me look for her keys sue admitted to being so drunk that she should stay home instead of party number two. once we got to party 2 she decided to go with conrad to party's 3,4 and 5 ? i told sue she was too drunk to go out and she said "if conrad doesn't come get me it's not like im going to find another ride but if he does i will go out." "because you want to makeout with someone?" i asked. "please are you kidding me...if i wanted to make out i could just make out with someone here. we all know it. i could make out if i wanted to. i just kind of want to go to another party."
I got a rude awakening to how my life as a student may be when I missed the whole weekend. Actually, I had a great weekend -- mostly snuggling with the boyfriend and watching movies when I wasn't working 38 hours in three days. But it seems he and I missed some good times.
First of all, congratulations to Tim and Charmaine. He proposed to her at their Hallowe'en party the other night with the help of a magician.
1. Text from Sue: "End of an era, target's tapped out of glow."
2. Downtown Kimmy Brown's Robin the Boy Wonder costume was anatomically correct. I accidentally molested her.
3. Dan K and Mike went out for a cigarette at Kurt and Julia's, and when they came back, Kurt was locked in his room watching "Family Guy" and everyone else--the entire party--had left. We were all going to RUBA, but only half of us made it because Julia started throwing up in people's bathrooms, so that crew decided to go home. Meanwhile, we were the only people at RUBA, and I got yelled at for having beer in my bag.
4. Still drunk at Rustica all morning on Saturday. I sobered up just in time for one of our ovens to break down for two days.
5. Foie gras protesters at the Standard Tap. They were so loud and annoying. The staff went out with a plate of foie gras samples, and one of the regulars, who's a vegan, went out and started yelling at various protesters for wearing leather shoes.
6. I got a text from Sue that said: "Andy?" She did not remember sending it.
7. Marilyn's text on Sunday morning: "Funny things = 9 missed calls from an unsecret admirer, then me turning around and doing the same to an unsecret crush...maybe [X] and I have more in common than I thought. Lesbians love me. & genna and me spending the majority of the night trying to figure out how crad & chris decide who gets to make out with sue & settling on rockpaperscissors. You were missed."
8. Now I go to Skinner's sometimes. I may be philosopartying next month in Chicago.
9. Overheard at Skinner's: "You're a fuckin' frownie brownie."
10. My phone was dead all day at work yesterday, and when I turned it on, I had texts from Woods asking me about which planet Deanna Troi was from.
Betazed. She's a Betazoid.
OK, fine, I had a good weekend. I feel better now.
(Like I told Chris, IT'S A HALLOWEEN MIRACLE! BEULAH HAS THE WORLD WIDE TODAY!)
Last night wasn't exploding with FT, so here's a partial:
1. outgoing text to Marilyn: "ok. Lost my outfit. oops." 2. RA fell alseep on the couch, sitting up with his legs crossed. Woke up at 6am to find his legs rendered totally useless. 3. Sarah decided to run home (from 6th St) in the morning. In her costume. "Look! It's Ben Franklin! Running!" 4. A purse full of glowing glowsticks. 5. MLB thinks he can sleep over whenever he wants now or something. Has learned to manipulate his little cat thumbs, and opened my door. 6. LOST: earring, eyelashes. 7. The Best Laid Saturday Plans: getting up, having breakfast and immediately hitting the Riverview. Staying there until dark. $7.50 well spent.
(Imagine pictures too, okay? It's just not happening for me today. See some Halloween here.)
2. CHRIS D TO ME: "just finished grading (BONG RIP) h h h h also Im now going to say socratic so that it sounds like CROTCH"
3. CHRIS D TO ME: "ew yikes meeting eric for quicky (beer) at ten at white dog"
4. (after I asked her about the bus) SUE TO ME: "I think i see it. maybe. or a truck."
5. SUE TO ME: "People on this bus are rad. how the heal scary, steal yr soul, voodoo sort of way."
6. SUE TO ME: "sorry abt a lot of mys-spellingz, and see you in, like, 5."
7. ME TO SUE: "It is so funny when I leave you guys to find Eric and accidentally at the same bar run into Brian Chessington. Funnier when he happens to be winning a chess match."
8. ME TO BEN AND CHRIS D: "They are playing Cake at this bar."
9. About ten or eleven completely disgusting "your mom" texts back and forth with me and Ben. I was impressed and horrified when I woke up and read them.
10. DAN K, THIS MORNING: "today the lady at thriftway just told the guy in front of me she quit smoking by focusing her attention on her hobby of collecting coca-cola memorabilia."
Probably about a million people have lived at Beulah before Sarah and I rolled in and turned it Magical Tour Ride Experience.
We get mail for all these people. Sarah usually throws it out, but I like to open it and read it (perhaps heralding back to when I used to get to open Brad Pitt's creepy fan mail?). Anyway, last night we got a real gem:
(unsigned, typed, and simply addressed to "Marti" on the envelope)
Marti, Marti, Marti,
Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! you are not doing your job girl. You man has been a naughty boy these days. He is messing with a couple of people who you probably consider friends; Meeky (Iysharee girlfriend) and Nadiya (Snooky's sister) but they do not seem to think so. I also hear he is messing around with one of those Myers girls. I see it like this if your man is doing it you know his cousin is too. I hear he is messing with one of those Myers girls also. This seems to be enough to swallow for the time being, look to hear from me soon!!
Anonymity! Grammar reminiscent of something from Conrad 4's blog! Names possibly pulled from a late 80's Spike Lee Joint!
last night i watched mtv. then i thought about whether or not i should be embarrassed that when given the opportunity i would almost always want to watch mtv. this is what i decided. half the shows on mtv motivate me to try and do something with my life. the other half make me feel good about myself for not being such a fucking idiot.
Last weekend I had so much fun that it's taken me until today to recover enough to blog about it.
How about twenty funny things to celebrate?
1. J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore was gay and in love with Grindewald. Our entire understanding of the flaming phoenix, the long hours spent gazing at reflections in Pensieves, and the awesome anagram "Male bods rule, bud!" changed overnight.
2. At Silk on Thursday, Genna told us about an 18-year-old boy who's trying to date her. No. I told her, "He's a child, not a choice."
3. Later, Marilyn told us about the 22-year-old who looks like an 18-year old who's trying to date her. Yes. I told her, "He's a choice, not a child."
A lot of funny things happened at Making Time.
4. I got a text from a number I don't know with a very impressive and disturbing animated gif of a naked girl doing something to herself. If you need me to tell you what it was, find me and ask me. I don't really feel like putting it up here. It was funny, though.
5. Bizarro Chris!
6. Genna's text: "So that dude who looks like Chris told me he's seen me before. I've never noticed him. I'd better open up my other eye and pay attention!"
7. I was asked permission by a friend who wanted to ask out my sister. Listen, people, she's gonna make her own decisions, but that is one classy touch. I'm serious. If you want me to root for your team, that is the way to do it.
8. On Saturday, M and I followed my mom around Philly on a 10-mile diabetes walk that went up and down 100 flights of stairs all over the city. GO MOM! At the end of it, we walked into the Liacouras Center at Temple and found her talking to Mother Love, a late-nineties daytime trash TV talk show host who used to weigh about 300 pounds more or something and is now a star in the world of diabetic celebrities. My mom was totally gushing about her, and she wanted a picture with the four of us. Mother Love asked me if Marilyn was my girlfriend and looked a little embarrassed when I explained she was my sister. We took the picture, and then Mother Love looked at us and said, "Oh, now I see it." Then she pointed to me and said, "You would have been a pretty girl."
Duh, Mother Love.
9. We found Sarah on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." A tiny head in the background when they are drinking mimosas at the nonexistent cafe across from the Gleaners.
10. At Rustica, Luis tried to play White Zombie. Dan told me the whole time I was in Spain, he was slipping it on. I love family restaurants! Mexicawesome.
So many funny things happened at Jo's birthday party.
11. Josh ate like three cupcakes. Dude was fucked.
12. Sue heard that if you left batteries in something--I don't know if it was water or whisky or whatever--for half an hour and then lit it on fire, it would explode. Nope. Not true.
13. Somebody Jo didn't know came to the party and gave her a new TV.
14. Oops, the philosophers missed Erol Alkan and the surprise Justice show in New York, and then they came to Philly and got to the Justice show in time for the encore. Chris's text that came after the first few notes of the encore: "Ah! I am here!"
15. After nearly ruining Jo's birthday by accidentally not getting her a Justice ticket, I got her one and couldn't get a hold of her. Oh well, at least Genna got to go.
16. Imri! On crutches! That dude has come back from hibernation as an incredibly party-responsible person. If I had fractured my heels, I don't know if I would have been there.
17. Party of the year at Silk! Oh man. Crowdsurfing, stage diving, beer spraying everywhere, people swinging from light fixtures and breaking tables and glasses everywhere, Marilyn getting her ass grabbed by Spank Rock, the whole crowd, in fact, going berserk for Spank Rock when his song came on, and Justice showing up to their own afterparty. Much later, when I was locking up my bike outside of Silk City for the night, Mark Bee came out and said, "Were you at that party? That was fuckin' awesome! I mean, that was a good party, right? Right? That was a good party, right?" I said, "Yes," and he just kept saying, "That was fuckin' awesome!" It was four in the morning, and he was in there by himself cleaning up the aftermath.
18. We raced to RUBA. Running is the new not running. I got to make fun of Chris for getting beaten by a fag and a girl.
19. All of Northern Liberties and everyone from the Justice show was at RUBA. Everyone wanted to talk to my sister. The next day, somebody asked me when he was going to get my sister's phone number. Seriously? I said, "I don't know. I guess you'll have to ask her."
20. I am now a future graduate of Temple University. What? Weird. I can't wait to see how this pans out. There may be way fewer parties in my future...or way more. Only time will tell.
PS - Way to go, New Young Pony Club, and sorry, Fran, but I really liked "The Darjeeling Limited."
Sometimes Amanda meets creepy Italian men and gives them my contact information instead of hers. As a joke. They send me emails like this:
Ciao Bellisssima!
How was your trip back home? Hope not too boring 9hours in the train... I'm ready to go to play the tournament today hoping to do good as on tuesday. Meeting you has been something special to me, was long time i didn't meet a girl so beautiful and interesting as you,your wonderful eyes are on my mind... i really would love to keep in touch with you! about me you know just a bit...the professional player part :)... today i can tell you my birthday is july 5th and i'm a pretty good cook ;) i send you pics looking forward to read from you lots of kisses, Pier
