TEN FUNNY THINGS THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

HALF THE NUMBER OF MAKING TIMES YOU'VE BEEN TO, PLUS 7. (OR, "BUT I WAS THERE.")

2009-05-02T21:34:00.002-04:00

We are old.

(Some of us.)

Link: The Desperate Aging Hipster Handbook

Worse, the clubs are packed with the next wave of sweaty bleached hair, bike seat burn, thigh bruises, and Sparks-tongue (still, somehow).

"Better-looking people with better ideas and more talent. And who are actually really, really nice." Sound familiar?

Remember when that song was about us?

We're probably not to this stage yet, but what if?

Some people make aging look good:

Rest in peace, Bea. I actually cried watching that.

If you've been around recently, you've probably noticed that some of us have been talking about how we've become progressively less enthusiastic about going out to clubs in Philly.

Siobhan and I spent a lot of time talking about this the other night. There was a really recent time when we could go to the Barbary, Silk City, Sal's (concrete proof we're old), etc. and know every single person in the room. Maybe we weren't actually friends, but we knew all of their names, what they did, etc, and so did they.

Now we go in, and just about everyone is a 21-year-old stranger. And those are the older kids.

I know every dirty nook and cranny of every bar in this town; I have performed every possible bodily function of the bathrooms. I know all of the gheys that are old enough to rent a car.

"It's what you learn after your second theme party: it's all been done before."

Recently I've gotten more joy out of rehearsing my scene from Angels In America or any other schoolwork than even thinking about going out and dancing. I miss friends, and it's good to see them when I do, but most times that we go out are disappointing and just remind me of when it was all new.

DOWNLOAD:
Merle Haggard - "Wishin' All These Old Things Were New"

"Good times like the roarin' twenties
And the roarin' eighties too..."

I've had no interest in going to Making Time lately. I might go to Snacks this Tuesday just because all the "School's Out" crowd will be there, and because I miss Woody's, but recently I go to MT or look at it online, and it's just a huge room with hundreds of people I don't want to meet. Meanwhile my friends are at home, throwing a better house party with better music.

Plus, there was the issue of this 19-year-old I almost accidentally had a date with this week (but didn't, guys). I got blasted by everyone except Rapey. Dan told me that the rule is "half your age, plus seven." Which for me would be 21. I hate to admit that he kind of makes sense. I really really hate it when rules make sense.

The fact is, you're still going to see me out a lot. At the end of June, I'm moving in with Lauren above Trax foods. Anytime you're at KFN, JB's, the Barbz, El Bar, whatever, just give me a call and if I'm not already there, you know I'll probably come over and say hi, even if I'm in the middle of some project for school. That's just how I roll.

But my life's different now. At the Barbary last week, it was so much easier to be lame, get tired, and want to go home than to try to keep up with Deven and Donna and all the other 21-year-olds who were doing this for the first time. I was really happy for them and I just wanted to be happy for them at home, watching Hairspray and drinking cocktails, or maybe getting sweaty dancing to James Brown or Desmond Dekker, but not nameless soulless coke soundtrack rave music. That was fun for a while, but I've just been doing it too long.

DOWNLOAD:
Pase Rock - "The Motherfucking Rave Is Over"

Anyway, without intending to, I've changed a lot. Still figuring out exactly how. But I'm moving, and moving on, and so I'm moving to a new blog, too. Expect submissions from other friends, drunken audio posts, and mind-blowing gossip.

KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM
KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM
KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM
KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM
KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM
KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM
KEEPINGHAPPENING.TUMBLR.COM

This is the last Ten Funny post. I'll leave it here because I love going out with you guys and being retarded, and I don't want us to forget it. There'll be some of that on the new blog (although probably no lists), plus other stuff.

I just don't want run another boring "nightlife blog" when I'm more interested in daylife, you know?

Besides, Tumblr's just a lot prettier and more fun.

Please leave comments or send suggestions to keepinghappening@gmail.com.

This is happy!
<3<3<3

BONUS:

One more. I couldn't help it.

EXTRA BONUS: PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS NOT REALLY HAPPENING, PART TWO
Strike 2 for these guys. Berets: never, never, never. Unless you are French,Lauren, a douchebag community theater director, or Rerun.

Take it from me, kids, because I learned it the hard way: just because they sell it at AA doesn't mean you have to wear it.

THIS WEEKEND:

Tonight, I'm going to Olga's because I always say yes to house parties now.

Then, midnight movies at the Ritz: Back to the Future. See? I'm excited about going to the movies on Saturday night. Also, I remember when Back to the Future came out. Two reasons I'm old, and I'm fine with both of them.

Tomorrow, I'll be at a dinner party at my professor's house.

Welcome to my life.

Love youse. See ya on Tumblr.

A

THIS BLOG DIES THIS WEEKEND

2009-05-01T06:35:00.003-04:00

There can only be one

(more post after this one. Then it's keepinghappening.tumblr.com).

NOT A HEADLINE

2009-04-29T12:39:00.004-04:00

How am I suddenly so critical of every little habit in my life?

Today's questionable vice: mp3 blogs. You Ain't No Picasso posted this bit of nerdboy non-news today:

And as much as I love Of Montreal, the actual song in question sounds like a bad community theater audition. Why are people downloading this?

HERE COMES THE WEEKEND

2009-04-24T15:31:00.002-04:00

TEN REASONS TO BE GLAD:

10. John and Catie (O'Brien) Beardsley, in town tonight.

9. Holly's "Dress As Your Mii" party tomorrow night.

8. Thad's "try my pizza" thing tomorrow.

7. Lyfestile.

6. Not doing Making Time (let's hang out on your back porch after 1 tonight, call me).

5. Not doing Britney.

4. 85 degrees. Time with you.

3. New glasses. (The blue ones.)

2. Date.

1. Bikes.

PARTY TOGETHER, DIE ALONE

2009-04-24T12:49:00.004-04:00

Lostume party, May 30. ~~I'll be there after Donna's art show and the King Khan and the Shrines/BBQ show.~~ (Oops, wrong month.)

I have two song requests.

DOWNLOAD:
Mama Cass - "Make Your Own Kind of Music"

DOWNLOAD:
Driveshaft - "You All Everybody"

HOW DO I GET...

2009-04-24T00:08:00.004-04:00

...my cousins to stop going to Christian music concerts? Or should I stay totally hands-off and let them make the same mistakes I made?

(Can you believe there's a "Christian metalcore" band now called The Devil Wears Prada?)

I saw on Facebook that one of my 18-year-old cousins is going to this Xian music festival. I know that game.

I went to Cornerstone, I spent the entire week NOT getting laid (by a cut-from-marble hippie who stared at me the whole time I was in the shower stall across from him and touched himself, not kidding), NOT doing a dangerous amount of drugs, and NOT flirting with being a hippie before learning why I shouldn't be a hippie.

I could have avoided an 8-year delayed adolescence by going to at least one (1) normal-people music festival, keeping having lots of go-get-it with people, doing dangerous amounts of drugs, and learning why I shouldn't be a hippie.

Although: one of my cousins is moving to Philly for the summer and she's a PARTY ANIMAL, and another one, the 18-year-old, just discovered R5 productions and, well, the R5, so expect to run into her with me at a show sometime soon. She really freaked me out on Easter talking about her favorite band.

Remember these guys? REMEMBER WHEN ONE OF THEM WAS ON ELIMIDATE? Remember when I found their CD at the Kampers' last weekend, along with like 500 other Christian CDs?

I guess even though I stopped bro-ing down with Jesus and started nutting-up with the geighs, it's still OK to listen to some Christians sometimes:

What friends do we have that still "rock for the Lord"? What friends do we have that still "ROCK 4 LIFE"?

I WANNA BE RAD

2009-04-21T02:11:00.002-04:00

I guess I wanna be just like Conrad or something: I'm soooo straight edge this week.

xxTRYINTOQUITSMOKINGxx

View Larger Map

Saturday night I paid $7.25 at Trax Foods for a pack of Marlboro Lights. That was the end of it. I officially can't afford to smoke. I won't even be taking your free ones, because they'll make me want to buy more. Just done, period. This is not really about my health. Maybe someday if they lower the price again, I'll unquit. For now, though, I don't smoke, ever. For this week, that pretty much means no drinking, too, cause that'll make me want to smoke. Maybe I'll have a drink or two this weekend--we'll see. And no, Krawiec, I will not try SNUS to quit cigarettes.

Meh, no big deal.

(PS I was doing some Google Image Searching on pictures of SNUS, and everything that came up was way too gross for this blog. Ugh.)

Miss you already, Joe.

DEBBEN!!! BAR-BEE-KYOO CHEE-KENNN!!!

2009-04-20T08:44:00.005-04:00

1. Sometimes you finish work, hang out getting drunk for a few hours, go to a show for free, run up the block for a drink, get bought free drinks for no reason, bike down to CC for a party, and drink a lot more...all because you thought you didn't have to work until 5pm the next day, so you could avoid any potential hangover action by just staying in bed for a while. Then the other manager at your restaurant calls at 2am and begs you, BEGS YOU to work in the morning because he's rushing home and some girl just called him to say she was in a cab on the way to his house. So then you spend the next day in agony.

2. Somebody sat in my lap and I got a date out of it.

3. Seth's a grownup.

4. Jackie (Pete M's ex) was at the Bike Stop and knows everyone I know from different weird channels. She knew Brooks from living in the suburbs, Ricky from hair school...it was weird. Lives in the city now. PS- Brooks was there!

5. The El Bar. I don't even know how to begin. So much slurred speech and illegal things everywhere, but it's so goddamn friendly.

6. Pizza for tickets.

7. Everybody knows Bikini Kill songs except me. I'm working on it.

8. Every time I saw an Asian girl this weekend, I thought it was the HPSTRGRFTR and checked for her chest tat. I don't care if it's racist; I want those R5 tickets!!!

9. Sarah's cowboys and Indians essay. It tells the story of my life.

10. Life imitates art as Conrad has begun to blog about me as much as I blog about him. The hunter has become the hunted, the master the student.

If you see Deven, say "BARBECUE CHICKEN!!!" in a Mexican accent. Don't ask questions, just do it.

XOXO

Download:
Bikini Kill - "Outta Me"
Download:
Bikini Kill - "Distinct Complicity"

NOOOO

2009-04-19T21:46:00.000-04:00

Please tell me this is not actually happening:

<3<3<3

2009-04-15T23:19:00.001-04:00

MORNING!

2009-04-15T02:58:00.000-04:00

WRITING TEN FUNNY PAPERS (IN INDIA)

2009-04-15T00:16:00.001-04:00

WORD, COUSIN (EASTER AT GRANDPA'S)

2009-04-14T02:51:00.003-04:00

10. We sent my two teenage skater boy cousins outside to hide the eggs for the kids (I'm the oldest of 27 grandkids, the youngest of which is almost two years old), and they "hid" them mostly on the tailgates of my uncles' trucks outside.

9. My 19-year-old cousin S. just discovered R5 Productions. Expect to run into her a lot this summer. She casually mentioned her obsession with MeWithoutYou. That was weird.

8. My Grandpa is notoriously obsessed with trains, having retired several years ago from a long career as a conductor. At some point in every family gathering, I offhandedly bait him with a mention of some trip I took--it could be to Boston on Amtrak, or it could be from Temple to work at Rustica. He will talk for twenty minutes about all the different routes you can take to get there. Sometimes, when I really feel like developing a deep emotional connection with him, I bring up the subject of West Philly trolleys. We recite together the holy litany of trolley numbers and destinations, argue in the same way we have a million times about which trolley comes out of which tunnel when, and then if we're really feeling good we move on to the light rail lines. This is where he always stumps me. I'm no match for him.

7. One of my aunts made CANDY DEVILED EGGS. The women in my family are domestic overachievers. (They say the only way to clean a floor is on your hands and knees.)

6. I made a classic Andy gaffe when my aunt told me 10 ships disappear at sea a week: "What? That's impossible. 10 a week? That would be 3,650 ships a year." Oops.

5. So many jokes about "fags" were happening. I'm not out to all of them yet, and I almost said something, but every time, the joke was legitimately funny. When they make a joke that's offensive AND lame, that's when I'll throw in my two gay cents.

4. My four-year-old cousin said, "Your hair's weird." I said, "I know." He said, "I hate it."

3. He also referred to me as "Guy," "Hair," and "Pizza."

2. He also referred to my mom as "Pizza."

1. Also, his mom told me that they potty-trained him like a year ago, but he's recently been on this weird kick where he'll be outside playing and just not really feel like going all the way inside to relieve himself, so he'll just shit his pants. Then later, when he's finished playing, he goes inside, shrugs, and says, "Hi, Mom. I was lazy and pooped in my pants." She makes him go back outside and sit in it for fifteen minutes.

Download:
"Dirty Ol' Egg-Suckin' Dog" - Johnny Cash

Also:

Why did this picture show up when I googled "Easter bunny gay"?

TU FUNNY THINGS

2009-04-10T00:27:00.003-04:00

10. Two people at separate times during the day today ran their hands through my hair before introducing themselves.

9. Zolani is totally uninterested in TV unless we're watching "Baby Signing Time" or sports. Or, as we found out tonight, "The Office." He just could not stop laughing. (He's 22 months.)

8. Keep having to talk to one of the three people on earth I don't like. Had to give him free pizza the other night, too.

7. This girl in my Spanish class told me that when I speak Spanish, she "gets chills."

6. Found out that next week, when this kid in my acting class has to "drop trou" for his scene, that beforehand all the guys in the class have to "drop trou" in solidarity with him.

5. Also acting class: we had this exercise where we had to get our partner to do something but only using the words "one, two, three, four, five, six," and "seven." When the professor told everybody to stop, there was still one kid menacing another kid with, "Yeah, that's right, I said THREE!!!"

4. Conrad just will not blog. :(

3. I think I might go Puritan for a while. Wanna stop smoking because I don't get very much out of exercise, and it's soo hard to stop when you're drinking. Maybe next week.

2. I got friend-requested on Myspace by this guy.

1.James will be "inside of" Philly this weekend.

CONRAD CAUGHT HAVING FUN!!! (Thanks dear readers)

2009-04-08T23:32:00.002-04:00

An anonymous enterprising photojournalist has sent me this picture of Conrad doing two fun things at once:

1. Reading a book

2. Picking his nose

Tonight I heard him talk about all kinds of fun he's been having, including keeping drinking. Where's the boring man I used to love?

>:(

COMING THIS SUMMER

2009-04-08T12:34:00.001-04:00

VIDEO OF THE YEAR?

2009-04-08T12:24:00.003-04:00

He sure does love dressing up in women's clothing, riding around in phallic spaceships, Dr. Dre, licking his lips, 00's gay icons LiLo, SamRon, Britney, Sarah Palin and the Winehouse, and butt sex.

SO HOMO

WEST PHILLY CHICKS ARE ALL ABOUT IT

2009-04-08T10:07:00.003-04:00

Just saw these two headlines when I woke up today:

This is after the other day, when my mom posted something on Facebook about why I shouldn't be given healthcare. Awesome.

In better news, last night was Dock Street with Siobhan and Red. Chris D, I wanted to make good on my promise and call you, but now that there's actually stuff to do in my neighborhood and people to do it with, it's really hard to leave. I will, I'll keeping leaving, but for now, I'm nesting. Gimme a few days.

Meanwhile, Red told me he feels like he's known me forever and could tell me anything and called us "New Old Friends." Oh man, the Fishtownies and Soufilly people are NOT going to like that. Well, I warned y'all, hippies happen out here, and sometimes I really like it.

My beer was called the "Man Full of Trouble." I don't know anything about beer, but I think it was good. S&R say they want to be "good at beer." I don't think I care about beer enough to put forth the effort.

I also spent a while earlier talking to Alexis about our raw foods plans and to Clites about Bikram Yoga.

<3<3<3

See you in the dog bowl at Clark Park with our babies and our coffee and our organic granola at the flea market at Dahlak at a basement show! See you while I'm growing my male/female beard and drinkin' fawdies and seeing an anarchist lecture while brewing beer at home and drinking kombucha and doing yoga and going to Penn! See you when I'm shopping at the Second Mile with Carlos and going to a queercore festival with a kissing booth and being a Muslim and riding my bike and stealing a bike! See you at church! See you on my roof while I'm looking at trees and painting faces on my sidewalk and wearing bandannas and eating tofu hoagies and roasting a pig!

I fucking love my hood.

SURREAL LIFE

2009-04-05T10:39:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I managed to run into almost everyone I know and have a sort of legendary night without leaving West Philly. Siobhan was my date all night for the Human BBQ XXXI at Pi Lam (the "punk fraternity" at Penn) and some show at Danger Danger. The "big surprise" that everybody already knew about Human BBQ was that the Dead Milkmen were playing.

10. "Oh man, I really need tonight to be bloggable."

9. Dan texted that we should bring an empty bottle or can to drink out of. This was our first encounter with the 1,000 Rules of Drinking Last Night. They were really random and bizarre. I didn't know why we should need bottles or cans, but we stopped at Dungeness Crab Place (aka "Garden Court," aka "Beer Breakfast Dungeness Crabs," depending on who you ask)to each buy one can of PBR. On the way, Siobhan had me explain all the rules of buying beer in PA, and I don't know how much help I was. It's confusing.
Not nearly as confusing, though, as the 1,000 Rules for Drinking Last Night. When we found Dan and a bunch of our people outside Pi Lam, he said, "You brought your soda cans, right?" Turns out your can/bottle couldn't LOOK like beer, because they wanted the place to look like nobody was drinking "so it could be an all-ages show." First sign we were not dealing with grown-ups.

So, first rule, drink out of something other than a cup or anything that says "beer" on it. We got some Arizona bottles at Allegro's and came back. Second rule, it turns out, is there is no beer downstairs; you have to go upstairs, because all of the kegs are in the bedrooms. Not every bedroom has a keg, and you shouldn't go into a bedroom if the door is closed. The bedrooms--

--wait, let me emphasize this: these bedrooms were dorm rooms. Like, posters on walls, fleece blankets from Target, Hits of the 80's CDs, the whole deal. This was really happening.

--might be so full of people that when you get to where the keg should be, you'll realize that there's no keg in that room. This is all if you can get past the third rule: there's a nineteen-year-old blond girl with a baseball bat who only lets people upstairs if she knows them, they're in a band, or they're "with" a band. She kept stopping Siobhan--like repeatedly--and she kept nodding at me and smiling like I'm somebody who's so famous that of course she knows who I am. Listen, one of my three hard-and-fast rules of partying is that I never ever do V.I.P. spaces, but when all the beer in the entire party is upstairs, you break your rule.
Sometimes we ended up furtively whispering to people, asking them in low voices if they "knew where the beer was." Then we would be led upstairs through covens of teenagers and weirdos until we found some kid's bedroom on the third floor that had the keg of Woodchuck. We've never had to work so hard for beer. We drank every drop.
Actually this was all hilarious and totally fun. A few hours into it, it got old, but it was fine.

8. Women played better than maybe any other time I've seen them. Dan broke the strings on his bass on the first song and they had to borrow one. I spent half of the show leaning over to Lauren and saying, "Ohhh, my boyfriend's sooo cute. God, I love it when my boyfriend plays his guitar in his band. He's such a rockstar. My boyfriend is IN A BAND." I thought I was just making fun of her, but later she said, "You sent me into such a giggle fit when you said that stuff about Sean. I got so excited."

7. Siobhan discovered something last night that I had to deal with last year, when I started going to Temple. "1989?" she said. "Did that kid just say he was born in 1989???"
"Some of them," I told her, "were born in 1991. I was doing the Bartman in 1991."
For the rest of the night, she kept screaming, "1989? 1991?"

6. By the time we got to the food, there weren't any buns left. We made Boca Burgers and turned them over with pieces of aluminum foil, then ate them with our fingers. This dreamy 19-year-old named Matt (actually, I'm gonna say Mat--he just looks like somebody who leaves off the last "T" for some deeply personal reason) started talking to us. He was wearing a plain black t-shirt and iridescent rainbow wings. He flirted with both of us pretty aggressively for twenty minutes and told us about his full-body leather bondage suit which he bought as a Halloween costume but now just wears to shows and parties and "occasionally comes in really handy." This kid totally rocked our world.

5. On the first note of the Dead Milkmen's set, the whole crowd kind of surged towards the set. Right away, some douchester poured his beer over my head and Siobhan got punched right in the lip. Later, a speaker stack started falling into the crowd because some total wad was balancing on top of it to take pictures, and while Woods, Dan and I tried to fix it so it wouldn't crush any skulls, this guy came crowdsurfing by and kicked me hard in the eye. Later, Siobhan lost her jacket. Battle scars.

4. Last week I bought a 95 cent XXXL black t-shirt with rainbow sequins all over it making up dollar$ $ign$ and lucky dice. Siobhan tried it on in my kitchen over her jacket, scarf and pocketbook. I told her she should wear it as a dress.

3. At Danger Danger, we realized we really like being the only girls in the room. Frequently, we were, and the rooms were full of people.

2. More texts from "Spelling Fedish." It's now been like two years since our hourlong text-acquaintanceship that I ended pretty quickly, and he keeps trying. I am catnip for the mentally ill.

1. Last night I had a dream that some of us went to a Christian waterpark in New Jersey, where Lou Reed played a surprise show and David Bowie joined him on stage to sing "Scary Monsters." At one point, Lou was in the crowd, leading us in a singalong, and when he segued into some song that was, in my dream, a pretty unknown Lou Reed song, I was the only one who hollered. He came over to me, put the mic in my face, and said in a friendly voice, "Hmm? Did you say something?" I said, "No, Lou, I just really love that song you're about to sing." Lou said, "Oh, thanks, man, thanks." Then he went back up on stage and sang the song.

In other news, I can't stop looking at this.

DOWNLOAD:
The Dead Milkmen - "Violent School"

CONRAD IS A CHEATER

2009-04-04T10:26:00.000-04:00

Everybody came to my house last night and had vodka, wings, and campfire. I talked to Josiah's Colombian girlfriend in Spanish for like an hour and she didn't even seem annoyed. People who couldn't stomach the chilly breeze outside watched "The Cosby Show." Later, we all went up to the roof to enjoy the view and ended up FREEZING OUR ASSES OFF.

But more importantly, Conrad had fun! Sooooo much fun! Yes, he gave people rides home, and yes he got us drinks and acted like our butler, but that dude would not stop smiling no matter how much I called him out on it!

Conrad is a cheater.

MAXIMUM FUN

2009-04-03T11:38:00.004-04:00

Instead of writing the paper that's due today, I decided to HAVE MORE FUN and write a blog.

If you're not Conrad and you're allowed to have fun with me this weekend, then this post is for you!!!

Tonight I work till 11, and then I wanna get into trouble with you.

I'll have a front pocket of raspberry sweet tea flavored vodka and an ass pocket of LET'S PARTY.

Tomorrow night, grab your bike and meet me in my country, the faraway magical world of West Philly:

Pi Lam Human Barbeque XXXI with Women, Make a Rising, this band called Cerebral Ballzy, another one called Cunt Fuckula (A+ on these names, younginz) and a bunch of other bands, plus a big fucking surprise that's gonna blow everybody's head off. $12, all you can eat bbq/vegan bbq/keg beer (I hear they bought 12 kegs). DJs afterwards till 4 in the morning.

FUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Download:
"Happy Station" - Fun Fun

WAIT

2009-04-03T09:16:00.002-04:00

He's allowed to watch movies? Dumb.

Last night was Raspberry Sweet Tea vodka, a date with Lisa, weed, Haagen-Dazs Sticky Toffee Cake Ice Cream, Cosby Show. Fun.

WISDOM FROM A FOOL.

2009-04-02T16:48:00.003-04:00

:( :( :( (Me and Conrad, in times that were so much more fun.) :( :( :(

So my good friend Conrad can be a dickass sometimes. But that's why I love him, and he knows it! He's really outdone himself this time, though.

As of yesterday, Conrad's going on a monthlong crusade against fun in his life. After leaving the Christian Church, I never thought I'd be good bros with an ascetic again, but behold the return.

Conrad says that his life is "too awesome" and that

"My solution to these problems is 'No Fun April.' It is what is sounds like. I will be having no fun in the month of April. I will be abstaining from caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, animal products of all variety, orgasms, major chords, first dates, cheering for sports teams that compete near my place of residence, and Saturday morning cartoons. You are free to call me about if you see me partaking in these activities. Some of these abstentions should be particularly painful as I am probably addicted to at least some of those things."

Also, he's going to start being nice and helping people and blah blah blah.

Wow! This sounds like fun to me! Let's all pitch in to abuse our lovably retarded friend. I've already been harassing him in the comments, and you can too! Just go to www.conradisanaprilfool.blogspot.com and let's try to make this as no-fun for him as possible!

I'm inspired to start having MORE fun (to make him jealous--no fun) and blog about it more than he blogs about his thing. Which means, I'm back!

Also, here's the list I posted in his comments today:

TEN FUN THINGS THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

1. Isn't it fun to see CK? And to blog about her?

2. Should I help you out by asking for rides/money/your car/gay sex all the time?

3. Wouldn't the entire enterprise have been jeopardized if you had actually seen/heard a good April Fool's joke?

4. Reading lists is fun. STOP

5. Fully committing yourself to this endeavor and saying "this is no fun" all the time but secretly looking forward to the day when you can brag about your no-fun month is fun in a whole lotta ways, kinda like people who say they're into "masochism" but really, they're having fun doing it, so they're not harming themselves, they're benefitting themselves. All human action is based on selfishness, even so-called acts of sacrifice, right?

Hey wait, philosophy is pretty fun, isn't it?

6. What about attention/being a minor internet celebrity? No fun? Or fun?

7. What about remembering people's blog comments so you can talk about it later? That's all I do in life, because it's mad fun.

8. I think you like complaining. I think it's fun! For you!

9. Love you, Conrad. Wait I hope it wasn't any fun to hear that. Sorry! Oh shit, getting apologies from people is fun too. Dammit! I'm a bad friend :(

10. "Some of them want to be abused." - Some really fun band

Download:
You Make Lovin' Fun (Trailmix Remix) - Fleetwood Mac

A fun song for a funner month than ever before!

Thanks, C-rad!

SPAMALICIOUS

2009-02-26T16:10:00.002-05:00

I don't get a lot of fake e-mails, but I got one just now that advertised male sexual performance drugs, and it started like this:

"It has been long time since we did not meet."

Try harder!

MY PROMISE TO U <3

2009-02-12T16:39:00.002-05:00

Hi,

I promise not to get all "200 Cigarettes" on you again tomorrow night, Philadelphia. I promise not to drink three bottles of champagne before midnight and fall asleep standing up before half of you get there. I promise to be around at the end of the night to help you all get home.

Love you Philly.
A

psa

2009-02-11T13:31:00.002-05:00

FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!! FLIRT TIL IT HURTS IS NOW AT 607 TASKER!!! SEE YOU IN SOUFILLY ON FRIDAY!!!

beneficial

2009-02-09T11:08:00.004-05:00

Saturday was my benefit party (thanks Lu and Amber)

Here's some things

1. Someone (hosting) warning me not to like certain boys (in a dibs kind of way) (multiple times)
2. Sarah Munroe. Buckets of fun. Sarah Monroe and Navid!
3. Finding party favors from the seventies in the drawers.
4. Andy falling asleep djing.
5. People coming on accident.
6. Luke Dow's extension/rait tail.
7. Tim not letting That Guy Brian pass over "Man Boy" on the iPod.
8. Josh Ballard's Green Machine.
9. Everybody in Sue hearts.
10. Tumor Surpise Cake! Thanks Marilyn.

I didn't miss Wii Fit once while I was there.

LOST AND FOUND

2009-02-04T16:09:00.005-05:00

Some things from the weekend:

1. You lose everything you own, you get the important stuff back two days later. This is Philadelphia.
(PS- Seeing Shayna/Meaghan/Michael/Julia/Panaan/ etc. was amazing.)

2. Wawa now makes "Family Size Macaroni and Cheese." Two of us ate the whole thing.

3. Twitter got me blowin' up. I delete my texts four times a day now. The worst part? I'm texting back the whole time. Sometimes when I get out of class, I turn on my phone and it says, "You have 14 New Messages."

(Get at me @pinchefresco)

4. Sometimes somebody loses their phone and it takes a few days for the new Blackberry to arrive, so you spend all day Twittering back and forth, him making return trips to an internet bodega and you on your phone, and he promises to drunk-call you from a payphone later that night, and he DOES it.

5. KFN, three nights in a row. I like the place, but not THAT much.

6. Boys who make a big deal out of how they don't kiss other boys...sometimes they walk up to you a year later and say, "I finally figured out the boy thing and I want to try it out. Not with you, though, because we're friends. But can I kiss you once?" Duh, sure. The surprising part is that sometimes they're really good at kissing.

7. Party planning party came up with "Cameltoe vs. moose-knuckle" as a euphemism for, you know, the birds and the bees.

8. Speaking of birds and bees, this was amazing:

9. When you have 21-year-old friends, they're really really good at inviting people to your party. He like doubled the "confirmed" list!

10. We are making a sky for the party. A real sky. I can't tell you much more about it, but when you come, you will freak out.

CAMELTOE VS. MOOSE-KNUCKLE

2009-02-03T17:10:00.001-05:00

3 FUNNY SHOES

2009-01-22T14:25:00.004-05:00

3. You're running to catch the bus; you're not going to make it to your favorite class on time; you didn't get anything to eat; you want to go to bed. A teenaged black girl grabs your arm and says, "You look fly," then goes on her way. You slow down, you take a breath; the rest of the day could be shit and you wouldn't care. The bus shows up; the train's waiting for you when you transfer; you get to class early.

HOLY SHIT Y'ALL I'M FLY!!!!

2. Today in theater class, a kid was improvising, and "his character smacked my character," or, for the uninitiated, he smacked me. My character told his character that I hated his shoes. Just kidding, but he really did smack me.

1. Temple is making an instant (free) ice skating rink on campus tonight from 7-11. Get at me and let's go.

FOLLOW-UP

2009-01-22T02:51:00.002-05:00

I dropped that stupid Old English class. Plus I have to change two more tomorrow.

Also, tonight (Thursday), there's free ice skating outside at Temple.

Also, today my Spanish professor asked me if I'm Mexican (because of my accent).

Then, I walked into a class which was already full of students waiting for the professor and asked if I was in the right class. They said yes and then somebody asked, "Are you our professor?"

BA(RA)CK IN BUSINESS

2009-01-20T18:10:00.001-05:00

I liked today when Obama and Michelle cracked up about the little pedestal that the Navy wanted her to stand on.

My laptop is very sick, but I got an iPod Touch, so I've only been internetting on that. You can't really blog from it. Now that I'm back at school every day, I have hundreds of computers that are just dying to be blogged on. There've been some very funny things since I've been gone and some very not funny. Beatings, tumors, breakups. But let's just do 10 Random Funny:

10. At V-Day party planning, this windbreakerin' d-bag from Jersey comes over to ask us what we're doing and then tells us to "Keep on livin'." Thanks, brah.

9. [---] got stoned.

8. When you tell Marilyn you'll take her to whatever opera she wants, she picks one in Berlin and flies you there.

7. M and S need better locks on their doors. The bathroom door, too, by the way: that wasn't pleasant for me or the girl who ran in.

5. I've started following Levar Burton on Twitter. Oh, he's the sixth most followed person on Twitter, plus he was Kunta Kinte, the host of "Reading Rainbow," and Geordi LaForge. He says things like:

There are a lot of celebrities on the Twitter wagon, but most of them ain't real. Geordi is WAY REAL.

Even better than Geordi is Tina Fey. She's like this:

It's mostly about food or Obama.

4. One of my classes today, Old English, included a greasy boy with unsuccessful facial hair saying, "I want to study ancient languages because after my four years as a literature student reading translated texts, I have decided that translated texts are BULLSHIT and you should learn the goddamn language if you want to read the goddamn text. Otherwise the meaning is hopelessly lost."

Somehow, a few seconds later, the conversation turned to Tolkien and Harry Potter*. The way-Canadian professor was really vocal and got all Comic Book Guy about Tolkien's inability to write prose or good dialogue, and then he said: "Oh, and I haven't read any Harry Potter- I'm sorry, should I have SAID that? Did I OFFEND anyone? Well, sorry, but I'm not six years old." Right, because as an English professor, it's really important that you have a strong critical position on Harry Potter. Fucker, leave the kids (and the rest of us) alone.

They went on like this for a while, and when it came to be my turn to talk about why I was taking an English course, he grilled me about Linguistics, found out I had been an English major at Houghton, and said, "Oh, so you USED to be an English major, but you decided you don't like literature anymore and you switched to the sciences. GREAT. Next?"

Half of the room is people like this. Conrad, you go to a lot of Magic tournaments, so I know you know the kind of syrup I'm slappin' on this pancake, right? I don't know how you do it. Now I have to find a replacement class for Mom's Basement 101.

Also, there is one girl in the class, and they found lots of ways to make fun of her. (She's in Evolutionary Biology.) Then the barely bearded one started trying to argue (between nervous glances at the girl) that Eowyn from Lord of the Rings isn't as one-sided and fetishized as the other female characters because she goes to battle in the end. Never mind her absence of an inner life or strict devotion to the patriarchy, right guys?

Oh, wait, I forgot, I shouldn't have an opinion, because I'm a scientist, so I must not have opinions about books. Never mind--I'm gonna go put on a lab coat and dissect the alphabet with a scalpel. Really, it's fine.

3. Heather's glitter football makeup. Well done.

2. You know Wiz, that guy who looks like Rod Stewart/Joey Ramone/Alice Cooper and works with us at Rustica? He's getting married. I love that dude, and we're all really happy for them. He was telling us about their wedding and Reyes asked him where the bachelor party's going to be. Wiz just started laughing dismissively and shook his head. He said, "My whole life's been a bachelor party."

1.

Did she maybe do this on purpose just so Facebook would do this to her? Cause it's the funniest thing I've seen all year.

*Don't have anything to do with Old English.

FALALALALALALALALA

2008-12-26T12:19:00.002-05:00

It's been a good week: we saw Genna and got Chris for Chris-mas, I ran into old friends from Lancaster, we saw Conrad's boyfriend Chris with the white hair, lots of Amelia and Reese, and more...

10. I got an iPod Touch for Christmas, and Marilyn got me this thing that turns your iPod into a karaoke machine. Can anyone say "New Year's Day"???

9. Josh rented a car the other night to come see us at Tequilamas. I love him.

8. Sue was really excited yesterday morning when Elizabeth, her other best friend, called her to tell her she's pregnant. When Sue asked people who they thought was pregnant, they kept saying, "Your sister?" Sue kept saying, "No, I talked to my sister this morning too, but she's not the one who's pregnant." Later, Sue said that Elizabeth has known for months, but wanted to wait until Christmas to tell everyone. Even later still, Sue's sister called back and said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you: I'm pregnant."

7. Downtown Kimmy Brown set off a fart bomb on Christmas morning. No, not with her body: it was an actual fart bomb that Sue and Marilyn put in her stocking. We all had to clear the house, and everyone who lives in South Philly went and got candles from their houses. It was awful.

6. Uh did you guys realize it's only like a few days till NYE? Let's get to hoarding those Sparks!!!

5. This was a very good way to end Christmas:

4. I turned my phone off when I was with my family yesterday. After dinner, I turned it on and there were like seven generic "Merry Christmas" messages. A few minutes later, a message showed up from Conrad. I thought, "Oh, Jesus, there is no way he's wishing everyone a merry Christmas." Sure enough, it was a mass text about Eartha Kitt dying. This made me pretty upset, but I'm calling it a funny thing because a) Eartha Kitt would die on Christmas, and b) the only thing that's going to make Conrad send a mass text on Christmas is if a gay icon dies.

R.I.P.

3. Sue gave me shotglasses made out of candy cane. The box says, "You'll never drink out of real glasses again!"

2. Sue: "It's so nice that we can hang out since none of us saw our families today...oh, wait, I guess I'm the only one that didn't see my family today."

1. The other night after Tequilamas 2K8, we ended up at Reyes' hardcore night at the Khyber, where we kind of flipped out--Ben and I kept hurling ourselves at walls, and I landed on my ass with a beer bottle under me. Dan K started throwing chairs at the DJ booth and the skylight. They came and kicked out the four DJs, who all work at Rustica. Oops, merry Christmas guys.

MY HEART GREW THREE SIZES TODAY

2008-12-24T11:26:00.001-05:00

Let's celebrate. Merry Christmas.

Oh PS- Ben keeps singing "I Did It All for the Gnocchi."

THIS IS THE END

2008-12-22T11:16:00.002-05:00

10. Man was I bad this year at going out. I had a good start, and the summer was productive for a while, but then I got all old and creaky and doughy and before you knew it, I was neck-deep in school and stress and not staying home because I "should," but staying home because I "wanted to." By the end of the year I was literally falling asleep at the club. Now that school's over for a month, I want to get a running start on my New Year's Resolution, which is to go out more. I arranged next semester's schedule around the gym, episodes of "Lost" and weekly Tuesday night trips to Woody's, so let's jump on the party train and try not to jump off too much. I want my hard-earned reputation back. Go hard or go home.

9. Has anybody thought about the fact that Kanye has been called gay for years, but as soon as he makes an electro-R&B album with neon 80's synthesizers and makes the daytime talk show rounds wearing shuttershades and singing through Auto-Tune in shimmery white leisure suits, the haters stop and black people start dressing like Justice?

I didn't make that Justice thing up. Seriously, come ride the subway with me sometime. Not only is my bloghouse hair a bigger hit than ever, but every dude wears black leather jackets, black tees with little neon accents, skinny jeans and black wool caps. Silver accessories are tasteful and spare.

I thought I was making this up, but then a few weeks ago I had "Cross" on at work, and these four not-indie black kids came in late at night. The one dude goes, "Aw, I didn't know they play Justice in white people restaurants," and one of the girls says, "Justice is a white dude and a Asian dude." It was all really bizarre, like Kanye just maybe turned the entire African-American community on to obscure electro, French house and disco, etc. This could mean that 2K9 will be a very exciting time for music/fashion, or I guess it could just be another dumb fad.

8. What if, in 2K9, we threw our own parties, and they looked like this?

Dance steps, new songs, VFW halls. Can we make it happen? Should we form a committee?

7. My oven got fixed. Now I have even less of a reason to go out and party. I'm going to make good on my resolution, though. Maybe I'll find ways to balance my needs: like, I'll bake a bunch of muffins and bring them to you when I meet you at Woody's.

6. Dan and I are trying to buy cases of Sparks for NYE now that it's illegal. Or we might buy a few cases and bust them out two NYE's from now, or maybe at my War of 1812-themed 32nd birthday party in four years, on the 200th anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812. Basically, we're hiding a secret Sparks-stash for the apocalypse, of which government suppression of our Right to Party is an obvious sign. In the meantime, we'll just have to go back to Sofia Cuties and cocaine.

Side note: Pedro at Rustica keeps asking me to buy him Sparks, which he calls "Esparklies."

5. Deven, on Rihanna: "I just don't get it. She's got a sevenhead."

4.

3. If every Making Time came with Amanda/Matt sightings, I would go to every Making Time. (Shut up, I've totally missed them before. I'm not going on NYE. Instead I'll be with Matt and Amanda.) Oh, were you there the other night? Yeah sorry I didn't run into you--I got there late; everyone was drunk and doing that "Hurry hurry we're all going to another floor on the other side of this place" thing; every single person I know was there; I stood there for half an hour just saying hi to people before I decided it was too much work. I had a drink with Amanda and Matt and then went the fuck home to bed.

2. My phone is turned off cause I haven't paid the bill, but I still woke up this morning and went online to check my Twitter.

1. One of our friends, who shall remain nameless, is even worse than Sarah at eating. She isn't afraid to admit she doesn't like real food, but this kid doesn't even like normal food. Some things he won't eat:
- Fruit
- Turkey
- Of course "seafood" is right out, but so is "cake"
- Vegetables
- Soup (any kind at all)
- All food made at Thanksgiving

He will eat plain cheese steaks (just cheese and steak), french fries (salt is OK, but pepper is a definite no), mozzarella sticks, and beer. He eats once a day if he remembers to. Now you know what not to get him for Christmas: food.

THINGS TO DO TONIGHT:

- Come have an Awesome for Sarah
- Super secret [holiday] party for [a certain] Skateshop
- I'll be stopping by after said secret party to have one beer before I announce that I'm broke

THINK PINK!!! BEFORE IT'S 2K9...

2008-12-22T01:58:00.002-05:00

OK, I'm done for the semester.

Meanwhile, I've fallen in love with a movie.

We have a meaningful relationship:

""think pink.!!!!""FUNNY FACE 1956
Uploaded by dividu

I'm off from school for a month. May it be full of confetti, glitter, broken hearts, and the last few legal orange vomits. And may it be bloggable...

BUT IF BABY I'M THE BOTTOM, YOU'RE THE TOP!

2008-12-13T00:02:00.004-05:00

Five funny things about my day of Christmas shopping with my mom and sister:

5. Mom was really, really nervous about the subway. Apparently, trains scare her. There's a one-and-a-half-foot-wide yellow line painted on the edge of the orange line platform; when I stepped on it to look for the train, she sucked in her breath really loudly and started to hyperventilate. Then some water rushed through the grate under the rails below, and she jumped. OK, note to self: don't take Mom on the subway.

4. We went from this:

to this:

It was difficult to ignore the recent developments in communications technologies.

3. For some reason, there is a tiny, adorably cozy-looking little Korean restaurant in the basement of Suburban Station. I mean, it looks like it should be anywhere else but there, with little two-tops tucked away in candlelit corners and tiny paper-walled alcoves with miniature landscape sculptures of meadows and working waterwheels. Who knows about this place?

2. At the Macy's show, Julie Andrews' recorded voice says, "Visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads," and a six-year-old beside me said, "Why?"

1. I win best thing of the week, or maybe the year.

My mom asked me about tops and bottoms.

Actually, she asked me, "Say you're a gay man, and you're at a bar, and you want to meet somebody and take them home. How do you figure out which one's going to be the man and which one's the woman?"

If you know my mom, then you know it's true that I win Best Funny Thing 2K8.

PS - Later, she said, "Well, do you..." and trailed off. I think she was going to ask me if I was a top or a bottom. I started talking about Martha Stewart's pinecone owl ornaments.

WEEK IN REVIEW

2008-11-29T20:02:00.005-05:00

10. First family Thanksgiving with wine. The weirdest part was nobody mentioning how weird it was that we were all drinking. We hung out for hours, then watched a movie. It was chill and perfect.

9. Apparently, my aunt is friends with the Jonas Brothers' parents. She was obviously a little upset when another aunt told her she didn't like the Jonas Brothers because they're not as Christian as MIley Cyrus.

8. I asked Travis on Facebook to tell me something I don't know about his life in Maine, and he wrote, "It's like a million degrees and we each speak eight languages."

7. Sue and Conrad "rescued" a lot of Superfood from the dumpsters at the Odwalla factory with the help of some renegade freegans.

6. Amber won't stop threatening to beat me and my sister in the face with rocks because she finds us attractive. Also, I'm glad that I got a lot of Dane this week. Can we say let's bring back Dane for good?

5. I spent Thursday with my family, a puppy and my boyfriend, and I spent Friday with my childhood best friends and Ben Gallman's parents. I seem to be failing at perpetuating my unwholesome personal brand.

4.This:

3. Whoever has the pictures of me asleep at Alexi's, covered in ketchup, send them to me. Oh, and while you're at it, the pictures of me asleep in my living room covered in stuffed animals, and the pictures of me asleep at Kurt and Julia's covered in pretzels. And the picture of me from years ago, on Kurt and Julia's old couch, masturbating in my sleep.

2. Quitting smoking. I haven't cheated. But it made me really, really mean at Thanksgiving Eve's Thanksgiving dinner. Sorry, guys. This would be why I got really mad and berated Rob for "tricking me" when I didn't know that a Quizzo song was by Blondie. I was wearing a Blondie T-shirt.

1. On Thanksgiving night, I was at some bar with Eric, Chris, and the Irish philosophers, and some guy asked us if we were members of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

SNOW!!!

2008-11-19T20:26:00.001-05:00

I GIVE A HOOTIE

2008-11-19T03:01:00.003-05:00

PART ONE

Ben and I watched the CMAs. Somehow, the two presenters, a man and a woman, won Best Male and Best Female Artist, respectively. Exciting.

Meanwhile, we saw Hootie's comeback as a country star. Darius Rucker, the maverick of Nashville. We finally live in a black country. That means it's time for the return of black Country.

PART TWO

I love spending time with the baby, but today I realized he won't be here around Christmas time, and I got nostalgic for the pre-baby Hazel House party days.

Anybody want to help throw a Holiday Party here? Like, a real one. Let me know if you're in. Let's try to outdo Hallowe'en.

10 FURRY SHAVES

2008-11-14T10:09:00.001-05:00

No-shave November: is it happening?

I've never participated, being generally of the bearded persuasion for between 11 and 12 months of the year, but preferring never to look like a sea captain. However, I've always enjoyed the thrill of being a spectator in the world of competitive barbering.

Are you keeping not shaving? Are you a bearded wierded?

Send me pictures and I will post them.

NOT FUNNY THINGS

2008-11-12T15:44:00.004-05:00

1. I've felt different since the Obama win. I've wanted different things and realized I have beliefs I didn't know about. We partied on the streets of West Philly for hours that night, with African drummers leading the gyrating crowd in shouts of "Obama!" and "Dahlak the vote!" Everybody knew what it meant, because we've come to believe we're intelligent enough to understand subtlety and seeming contradiction. That night, race was exposed for what it was: a construct designed on nothing, no predictable biological factors or inherent value of individual human beings. The truth is, many such superfluous social constructs exist only to give more power to certain individuals and to deny it to others who are equally deserving. So the way that I changed last Tuesday was simple: I wondered what we've all been doing for the last eight years (or the last twenty-eight years). Obviously, we were cynical about activism, intellectualism, and risk-taking because we knew we couldn't win. Now, though, it seems we can.
Please don't think this was an epiphany for me. As Kingsley Amis wrote, "Nothing short of physical handicap ever made anyone turn over a new leaf." Consider it as a starting point I've chosen for meditating on how I can be more effective as a citizen. I know I can't go from Party Queen to Abbie Hoffman overnight, and anyway, I don't want to be Abbie Hoffman. But hey, you know, baby steps.
This Saturday there's a protest about the big issue affecting my people, the gheys:

Find me there. My goal is to party when I have a reason to party. In the meantime, Alabama got me so upset, Tennessee make me wanna lose my rest, and everybody knows about California Goddam.

Maybe you've missed this video. Remember how when Obama won, it felt suddenly not like just a win for African-Americans, but for all Americans? Well, guess what. I don't even ever want to get married, but this is my problem, and it's your problem too, as citizens of an unjust land:

I love you guys. Let's do this, and when we win, let's party for real.

2. Acing my classes.

3. Happy birthday Kimmy.

4. Mar, I love your hair.

5. Sarah, that was the best dream ever.

6. Hey you-know-who, stop farting at the Barbary. I wasn't there, but I keep hearing about it.

7. The electricity isn't working in half of my house. If I burn to death in my sleep because of an electrical fire, know that I love you all and Dan gets what's left of my CDs and records, to be distributed amongst you as he sees fit.

8. Anybody who can get me all the "True Blood" episodes within the week gets a kiss.

9. This blog isn't so much Ten Funny anymore as probably whatever I want to throw up here, hopefully still funny most of the time.

10. Miss youse guys.

I'M SORRY

2008-10-15T08:20:00.004-04:00

I haven't been the most blog-responsible person, especially in the last couple of weeks.

Some commitments I've failed to meet in the last few weeks:

1. My commitment to shallow, unedited, gossipy blogging about what is basically nothing more than a hazy recollection of uninteresting events...i.e, the stories of your lives and mine (with pictures of shirtless vampires/French people/next-presidents)

2. My commitment to watching the entire series of "The Golden Girls" by the end of the year (it's not going as well as I'd hoped...you'd think I have 24 minutes here and there, but apparently not)

3. My commitment to restoring this blog to its former glory of basically being a place to make fun of Conrad

I'll try harder, I promise. Posting the flyer for SHALLOWEEN 2K8 later today...remember, 10.24.2K8. Head on down to Jo-Mar and get you a costume.

Love.

NO PICTURES PLEASE

2008-09-30T00:09:00.004-04:00

When the psychoactive ingredient in your illegal tequila kicks in, nothing fun will happen. You'll just get really bugged out by anybody who wants to talk to you. It's OK! You have something to enjoy now, a brand new pastime: pretending to be way more drunk than you already are. This might work, and people will leave you alone when you sloppily (don't forget to be extra sloppy!) push them away with your palm.

Or, they might just get all, "Hey guys Andy's drunk let's fuck with him and put our hands all up in his face!"

Soon, those four Sparks you forced down (for "old times' sake") will kick in, and you'll be as drunk as you wanted to appear. Now you will develop "elephantitis." (thanks Eric)

ELEPHANTITIS - Light a cigarette, take a drag, lean on your arm (which is hovering in the air) and fall dead asleep. Your forearm will careen around in front of you like a trunk. Gah.

Oh don't worry, you'll have lots of memories tomorrow, after you're whisked away into a cab and helped into bed and out of your clothes. (thanks Eric, you letch) Or at least, after you see pictures of the party in a few days and find out how many of your friends that you thought never made it did, in fact, and smiled for the camera with you and danced with you (alone, because you were careening around dancing alone).

MEMOREEEEEEZ!

Also, Dan K woke up the next morning in his car outside of Mar and Sue's house with one lens missing from his glasses and a gash next to his eye. WE CLASSY!

_______________
_______________
_______________

Also, official planning meetings for Shallowe'en 2K8 are in effect this week. Don't make plans for 24 October, because we're making them for you. BOO!

TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING

2008-09-26T01:06:00.003-04:00

more animals
Some old, some new. Invite me!

10. THIS podcast

9. THIS drug

8. THIS opera

7. THIS hobby

6. THIS sexual position

5. THIS food

4. THIS website

3. THIS album

2. THIS DJ mix (really, really)

1. THIS TV show

TOP 10 MOST-FEARED COSTUME NO-NOS FOR SHALLOWE'EN 2K8

2008-09-24T11:41:00.009-04:00

Come on, I've been trying out an Amazing Criswell costume, and now I can sense you've been considering some hoooorrrrible costume ideas. Please don't. Just stick with Vampire or Sexcop.

NEVER FAILS!!!
(TRUE BLOOD!!!!)

DON'T WEAR THE FOLLOWING COSTUMES TO MY PARTY, or you'll be turned away at the door.

10. BAIKEN
Don't be Clay Aiken's baby or anything to do with Clay Aiken. Christ, why is it always the fugly ones that come out? Like that lesbian folk singer Lance Bass or the old man that's marrying Portia De Rossi?
And now the Faglys are breeding. There are so many teeerrrrrifying aspects to the phrase, "Clay Aiken donated his sperm to a friend in order to have a child." That sentence will give me nightmares for the next forty-one years.
On second thought, this is a great costume. Anything to do with the Claiken Monster and the Baby Claiken Monster.

Immaculate (Baster Injected) Conception 2K8 youse guys!!!

(PS - Can we take bets on who's uncloseting themselves next since things come in threes? Apparently the LiLo told some dumb reporter the other night that she's officially dating whatsername.
Anderson Cooper? Oprah and GAYle? Dora the Explora? Conor Oberst (post-Bright Eyes)?
Taking votes.

WILD CARD GALLERY:

DennReyn,
and
+4VR!!!
(Sue and Keanu Reeves, the best gay couple ever)
and

Gayzmo.

2K8 is GAY 'N' GR8!)

9. SARAH PALIN

This is a picture of Brad Pitt's beard and baby mama dressed as Sarah Palin, or, as I like to call her, SARS-PAL.

She's too scary even for Hallowe'en, and every girl's already thought of it. She's like the Winehouse last year.

Over before she even began. 'Member? 'Member her?*

Next year, though if (OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD)Sarah and her dad lose the election, she'll be the best costume ever.

(*If you're going to a really boring party you don't care about, and you happen to have long hair and glasses, I guess you could say you're being Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. Someone boring and attractive might be impressed.)

8. "VAMPIRE WEEKEND," OTHER VISUAL PUNS
Can we be over punstumes? Bad idea that I overheard at Temple: assemble a group of four friends dressed like vampires with sun visors and beach towels and be "Vampire Weekend. NO!

7. Kathie Lee Gifford

SHE'S BAAAAAACK!!!

(But I will accept "Kathie Animatedlee .GIFford.")

6. Reality TV Stars
Everyone's a reality TV star already. For example, here are just a few:

and
+4V4!!!
and

.)

5. THE FLAP-FLASHIN' HOLLYWOOD HO

The aforementioned LiLo, et al...unless you're gonna go all the way

4. OBAMA, OR ANY BLACKFACE/YELLOWFACE/&c

...this keeps happening and it's pret-ty boring...assuming you're not black (although if you are, for fuck's sake let me know so I feel better about my blawg)...also, put that Hillz mask back in the box of stuff from Shallowe'en '97

(God but isn't he the sexiest future world leader?)

3. LOCAL PHILLY CELEBRITIES
Dumb. Don't.

2. DENNIS REYNOLDS IN THE GORILLA MASK

Oooooohhhhhhh this would be a bad idea. None of your friends would ever be able to look at you again. Not one. Ever.

*(This picture isn't what a 'gorilla mask' is)

1. MARIE ANTOINETTE

Because Minkelstein and I already called it. Don't ruin my SHALLOWE'EN!!!

ALTERNATE SUGGESTIONS
Stick to things you know, like:
Hall and Oates, Cher, Vampires (not the weekend kind), the cast of "Square One," Angela Chase/Jordan Catalano/Ricky, etc, Phish Phans, Gorilla in a Dennis Reynolds Mask, Ghosts, Conor Oberst (post-Bright Eyes), Mummies, Monsters, Joan Crawford/Faye Dunaway As Joan Crawford, Mr. Miyagi, Motorhead, Witch, Slimer

AWWW SLIMER!!!

RETARDED EYEWEAR

2008-09-24T09:50:00.005-04:00

Why do all the stores in CC stop selling sunglasses the first week of fall? The sun's out 7/365 last time I checked (today).

I never spend more than 6 or 7 dollars on shades because I always lose them or break them. Or 1) get drunk at the Barbary 2) wear them on the dance floor (dumb) 3) put them on other people 4) tell them about my rule about other people keeping my clothes if they look better in them and then 5) wake up the next morning wondering where my shades went.

So the paint or vinyl or whatever on my most recent pair of shades started peeling off and I went to five different stores looking for more.

Lots of sales but no shades!!!

Then I sucked in my dignity and headed for Ughrban:

When I got there, there was a family outside whose daughter had Down Syndrome. They were all fawning over the new shiny gold sunglasses she had just bought. (Fortunately, she wasn't in shuttershades or anything that would make her look, uh, retarded.)

This girl just looked so happy about her sunglasses, not like in some "Sixth Sense" kid/Sean Penn/teary-eyed awards speech faux inspiring way, but like she had just bought these bangin' shades and she wished her family would go away, stop treating her like a retard and leave her alone to go show off a little at Rittenhouse. She didn't look cute and adorable because she's got DS, just cause of those shades!!!

So I went in and bought a pair and spent three times as much as I usually do. It was worth it. Now I know how that girl feels and it is awesome!

Just like these but not Ray-Ban and all gold. So cliche and Williamsburgy but I feel challenged!

NVR N'D

2008-09-22T10:06:00.008-04:00

Register Boy was ringing me up this morning for my coffee and freaked out about my shirt:

...because of "The Never Ending Story", obv:

...and called everybody behind the counter over to look at it. One girl got excited about my hair and said, "You look just like Perez Hilton!"

[UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY UGLY]

THAT CUNT RUINED MY DAY!!!

MARK THY CALENDARS

2008-09-21T15:30:00.002-04:00

Call the temps...

9.26.2K8 - Birthdayx1MIL for Mar, Mink, Rander
10.24.2K8 - SHALLOWE'EN 2K8 at Berks Warehouse
10.25.2K8 - Women, MRT and secret Milkmen at Johnny Brenda's

Also, PRTY BY PRXY last night:

From Little S* DO-TEXT:
"This boy just invited me to the bathroom for a 'quick interaction with colombia'"

TRU LUV ==> SYRUP

2008-09-20T19:35:00.002-04:00

What do you do if a mustache-and-scooter enthusiast from Guatemala named Waffles starts giving you bedroom eyes and regaling you with a 60-minute account of his recent trip to Montana, the whole time giving your shoulder muscles little massagey squeezes?

If you're Ben Gallman, you just keep asking the dude questions and not trying to get rid of him, because you are SOUL MATES.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR BEN + WAFFLES 4VR

NU-FAVES

2008-09-15T19:06:00.001-04:00

X. MY FIRST TIME TAKIN' MY SISTER TO A GAY LEATHER BAR - AND RUNNING INTO LIL' WOODS THERE

IX. PANCAKES ARE MAKING A COMEBACK IN MY LIFE, AND ALSO WAFFLES

VIII. I GOT USED TO A LITTLE URCHIN SPITTING ON ME AND PEEING WHEN HE SITS ON MY LAP

VII. BONOBOS

VI. LAST NIGHT I DREAMED I WENT ON A DINNER DATE WITH MICHAEL PHELPS IN BEIJING--HIS HANDS WERE THE SIZE OF OUR DINNER PLATES

V. FREE MEDZ @ THE PUBLIC HEALTH CTR

IV. A NEW APPRECIATION FER HIPPIES IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD--KINDA LIKE LAWN JOCKEYS WHEN I WAS A KID IN THE BURBS. (OMG OMG HORRIBLY OFFENSIVE BUT SECRETLY STRANGELY COMFORTING))))

III. BUZZ ABOUT NEW BARS WHEN SAID BARS HAVE THE WORST NAME EVER

II. FISTING JOKES IN NIGHTLIFE FLYERS

I. BLOG IS DEAD

BIRTHWEEK

2008-06-25T12:15:00.003-04:00

RIVERDECK TONIGHT!!! Oh my god i have been waiting all week. Except for Friday, when I went there AGAIN with Downtown Kimmy Brown. Thanks to everyone for making my 2008 Birthday Season the best ever. Some highlights:

- Chelsea's new name is "Feather"

- "Oh, you got stuck at Transit? That sucks."
"I wouldn't say 'got stuck.' I would say that I was given an opportunity to discover new people." (that would be Dave)

- Nobody would let me buy myself drinks at the Barbary

- The best boyfriend ever took me to the Cantina for my birthday--that's not funny; it's just awesome

- Siobhan told me she had been to the Cantina twice the day before (that's like me and the Riverdeck)

- Huge turnout at the Riverdeck, plus a mass e-mail from the promoter that said "Tonight is Andy Crowley from Rustica's birthday so come out and party with him!!!"

- Woods danced; Josh Ballard danced

- Ben and maybe Chris threw hot wax all over my livingroom

- meeting my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend; liking her

- "My boyfriend's in West Virginia. I HATE WEST VIRGINIA!"
Virginia, turning around: "What??"

- afternoon Riverdecking with Kimmy Brown and Ben; $2 insulated bottles of Bud Light; bad fashion show at F.U.E.L.; scouring the streets for Kimmy's credit card; eating a chorizo taco "Lady-and-the-Tramp" style with Kimmy outside of Johnny Brenda's; during Dan's show, sending texts to Kimmy and Ben telling them to punch each other in the face (you should see Ben; he's covered in bruises); Dan's show being awesome; James Brown.

-Marilyn sent me this on myspace:

some funny recap of last night...

ben gallman mosh pit. i think he was very happy to get that party started.

tommy gets messy: we decide to chug our beers so we can leave for the barbary but halfway thru i've had enough. he cannot accept that and tries to force it on me. i toss the little sip i have left over my shoulder to be funny, and he pours his HALF PINT on my head. woods and ben gallman rescue me. then at barbary he's messier, bumping into everybody. so dave p pours his beer on him. funny.

chris and i walk home and find ourselves in the middle of what seems to be a drug bust. drunken loiterers are told that if they didn't
"walk away, (the "agents") would flatten them too." they say this while kneeling on 2 suspects.

- I was simultaneously at three parties on Saturday and kept biking back and forth, delivering burgers and vodka.

- Faggot water balloon wars.

- Got hit by a car. My front bike wheel bent in half; the woman just kept saying, "I'm not from the city! I'm not from the city!"

- Birthday season officially ended last night with Ricky's birthday. We took him to a terrifying neighborhood bar that opened just for us, with men outside shouting that they "liked our style" and making menacing looks any time they used the bathroom; then we stayed up all night and Ricky, Amelia and I somehow got into an Ella Fitzgerald sing-a-long. They outlasted me, and I biked home and fell asleep, vowing to have a shorter birthday season next year. I'm wiped.

Who am I kidding? See you tonight at the Riverdeck!!!

Jaded Youth

2008-06-24T09:13:00.003-04:00

Angela and I have been best friends since we were three. She married Jason, whom we have both been friends with since we were about six. Since we all grew up together, I never feel like a third wheel around them. It's just three old friends hanging out. Not everyone gets that.

Yesterday, Ang, Jason and their two kids show up to stay with me for a couple nights while they go to a bike race in Fairmount Park. Last night, we are sitting out on my patio sharing a couple of pints and tons of conversation when their 4-year-old son asks Jason, "Dad, why do you like Genna more than Mom?"

Are kids really that paranoid?

The Warmest House in Fishtown

2008-06-12T10:01:00.011-04:00

Thanks for the great housewarming!! What I remember from the night:

10) Dane showed up an hour and half after the "no earlier than" time. But he was still an hour earlier than anyone else!! He asked if I'd rather he come back later. I said, if he didn't care that he was the only one here than he was welcome to stay. I recommend your first party guest be someone you know, but not that well...you get to know each other a lot better.

9) Neighbors: "Why's that guy sitting behind the curtains?
Me: I don't know.

Ben G, why were you sitting behind the curtains?

8) Taking a few pictures at the beginning of the night and then loosing my camera. When I found it at the end of the night, there were a lot of funny (and some inappropriate) pictures. For those of you who had my camera at some point, thanks for showing me what you were up to while I was not in the room!

8) Not being able to find Byron anywhere. Then finding out Josh M. just randomly decided to leave the party to take Byron for a walk. Just because.

6) Ben G rushing outside to ask me if I knew my soap had lavender in it and that men should never wash their hands with lavender.
Ben: "Lavender has been known to cause men to grow boobs."
Me: "Really? I wash my hands everyday with that stuff. How come it doesn't work for women?"
Dane: "Maybe you should try washing something else with it."

5) Matt Beck and Byron sharing a popsicle like two teenagers in love.

4) Two people coming out of my studio adjusting their clothes and looking confused that it is so quiet. Yah....um....everyone left like 5 minutes ago.

3) Insert you own funny memory here...the alcohol is hindering my memory.

2) Sue: "Genna, I found some ravioli in your fridge. I'm gonna suck on it, k?"

1) Sue, Andy and Ben gathering everyone to the street in front of the house, where they serenaded me with the best house warming song I've ever heard. Then they set off fireworks!! It made me smile so big. You could not have warmed my house any better!!!

A HOT TIME IN THE OLD TOWN TONIGHT

2008-06-10T12:07:00.003-04:00

SATURDAY:

10. While Marilyn was actually in Italy, we watched "La Dolce Vita." On the projector on the roof. Wine. So good. I think we're going to keep doing this a lot; Conrad has painted a screen on the wall out there, so we have a good setup. You have to be able to fit through our bathroom window, but it is so worth it--and even on a hot, muggy night, there's enough of a breeze out there that you forget the heat. A few stars, above the sounds and the lights of the city, out of view of the neighbors, and this:

Oh, and Nico's in that movie? Who knew?

SUNDAY:

9. Mad Decent Block Party: the best party in years.

8.
'Nuff said.

7. Other highlights: Diplo in the dunk tank, little kids, Conrad and Agnew's watergun fight, too much neon, neighbors.

6. Genna's housewarming! That girl is seriously the consummate hostess. So much fresh fruit, good beer, burgers, strawberry daiquiris, OH MY GOD AIR CONDITIONING, a gorgeous patio, and Byron. She has tamed that little mutt, and we spent a lot of time cuddling. Some highlights:

5. Disappointing fireworks. They sound like real fireworks, but then they just shoot a few sparks and catch on fire.

4. "Oh my God! That guy's from Women."

3. "Hey Sue, you wanna suck down a hamburger?"

2. "WHAT IS WITH ALL THIS FREAKING DANE-HATING???"

1. Ahem:

Lauren: Ugh, I can't believe that asshole. He thinks he can just molest me whenever he wants.
Me: Really?
Lauren: Yeah, I mean he just started putting his hand right up my dress.
Me: Jesus! I mean, what happened?
Lauren: Well, he was lying on the floor, so I sat on his face...

No, Lauren. Nope.

And the quotes of the day: first, from Chris D: "Scarlett Johansson's voice sounds like getting your dick sucked."

And the other:
"Shit or get off the blog."

Also, my tolerance level is back. I've been drinking even more than normal and waking up with no hangover. SUMMER!!!

I NEVER KNEW LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE

2008-06-07T04:02:00.004-04:00

10. One unfortunate side effect of a) knowing so many people, b) seeing all the same people all the time and c) living in--let's face it--a pretty small town is that when you go out, you tend to have the same conversation over and over again with different people. Tonight, all anybody could talk about was a) my hair (which they would then muss up--it's irresistible, apparently) b) my upcoming birthday party, or c) "Sunny" sightings. Josh Ballard saw Danny DeVito, Sue saw Charlie and the set of trailers. She was really excited about the fact that the trailers were marked by the characters' names and that one trailer door read "Charlie and the Waitress," because of course they're married in real life.

9. Blogging is so much better and easier if you do it as soon as you get home from your night out.

8. For the singles among us, tonight was an incredibly confusing carousel of sexual tension: will she go home with him, him or him? Is he really starting a fight right now? Where the hell did Sue go? Ah, it makes me nostalgic.

7. Eric likes to pogo when he dances. Also, he likes to bite necks.

6. As has been stated on this blog before, my favorite part about MT at Pure is that all the gays show up at 2, very confused. But tonight, that dynamic was greatly increased as it was GAY PRIDE WEEKEND. Everywhere, there were older gay couples looking hopeful, discouraged and confused.

5. KEEPING GETTING IN FOR FREE! How can we make him a VIP at next week's birthday barbecue? I'm taking suggestions.

4. Thank you, Christopher Davidson, for introducing me to the backdoor cheap drink loophole at Pure: Michelob Ultra. You said it was "Almost like beer;" I said it was not only beer, but it was much more than that, because it was Ultra. FOUR DOLLARS!!!

3. Virginia and Buddy. Everywhere all the time.

2. Beforehand, at La Casa De Lauren, I learned that without proper adult supervision, I will eat/snort 4 1/2 Adderals in two hours. Terrifying, then fun, then mellowish, actually.

1.
Dave P: Thank you for bringin' it all back home for Pride. Last song of the evening, Stephanie Mills? I love you in a real way.

M.Y.A.S.S.

2008-06-06T14:07:00.003-04:00

10. M.I.A.'s show sucked. I think anybody there will vouch for me. That place was like an airplane hangar, and you couldn't hear a goddamn thing. It was worse than the Electric Factory. We left after four songs (I think).

9. OK, let's be honest: maybe we really left because they weren't selling alcohol?

8. Ugh, don't drink vodka tonics made with Vlad and no juice. And trust me, under absolutely no circumstances should you drink two of them.

7. If you're already feeling self-conscious about how much you're sweating, don't go to dinner at an Indian restaurant with no air conditioning.

6. Remember that German boy I scared off because I kept trying to speak to him in German, which I don't know how to speak? Well apparently, this is something of a habit for me, as I kept catching myself trying to speak to Deborah in slurred French. Of course I don't speak French either, whether slurred or unslurred. She kept saying, "What? What?" and looking vaguely annoyed.

5. Everybody has a "Sunny" sighting story.

4. Girl: Andy!
Me: Oh hey!
Girl: I met you at your house.
Me: Yeah, I remember. How are you?
Girl: Good. Listen, it's OK if you don't remember my name.
Me: (not guessing at all; totally sure) No, I do! Eric, this is Jen.
Girl: Um, right. Hi, Eric. I'm Rachel.

3. Steve's back!

2. Apparently, Siobhan gave me suggestions for funny things to post. Apparently, I was unimpressed. Mostly, I'm just embarrassed that I don't even remember that part.

1. I found evidence that mice had been in my bed, so I spent the night on Sue's couch. In the morning, she made me an egg. She can't eat more than an egg yet, but I'm still so proud of her.

TEXT-SAVER, 6/5 -6/9: HEAT WAVE

2008-06-05T20:54:00.006-04:00

I'm not even trying to have a coherent weekend...it's just too much madness to pass up.

(Sorry I haven't really blogged this week; suffice it to say, the best thing that happened was at Snacks at Woody's. Three faux-queens (read: fantastically over-makeupped girls that I LOVED) heard that Sue's getting [dental] implants and told her that was "Awesome" and that she would be so happy afterwards. She talked to them about it for a long time before she realized they thought she meant breast implants. Then she realized they had all had boob jobs. I told her my new favorite band is Susie and the Implants. Otherwise, the main contributions this week made to my life are peach schnapps with blood orange soda and lots of Indiana Jones, not to mention really good quality time with my boyfriend. And Kane and the Undertaker facing off at Rustica.)

THURSDAY (show night):

Eric and I are leaving in ten minutes to see M.I.A. BITCHES!!! Barbary afterwards for Josh and Matt's party Self-Control with THE FIELD!!!

FRIDAY:

I don't work all day. I'm around; let's take naps in Rittenhouse or something. Call me.

In the evening, hair-dyeing/80s movie night at Lauren's, then PRESETS at Making Time (Pure). Let's get there early and get real drunk real fast, like in the old days:

(video: "This Boy's In Love" - The Presets)

SATURDAY:

Oh God--Roots Picnic, Best Fest, Odunde, NoLibs Music Fest. I'll be slingin' pizzas until 8; come see me and I'll hook you up. At night:

WHAAAATTT?
Outdoor "The Wizard of Oz" Sing-A-Long on the Great Plaza at Penn's Landing as part of Philly Gay Pride 2K8! I am freaking out! Please, someone, go with me. My boyfriend isn't gay enough to be interested. $5.

Later: I don't know, tell me what to do and I'll be there.

SUNDAY:

G's housewarming, and Pridefest Parade, if I can swing it. At night: Gary's party. Girl is moving next month; let's show her as much love as we can.

PS - On June 9th, if you're in Italy, say "Happy Birthday" to my mom, and if you're in Florida or California, say "Happy Birthday" to Donald Duck.

WARNING!!!

2008-06-05T13:04:00.001-04:00

MOUNTAIN PEOPLE

2008-06-02T00:27:00.002-04:00

Conrad, Sue and I drove up to my boss's lake house in the mountains this weekend. It was amazing and we're renting it again this summer and taking all of you with us.

Some highlights:

10. Stars.

9. A shake place called "That Shake Place."

8. Holes in the carpet in the shapes of pieces of slate and stone, with the actual pieces of slate and stone in those holes. Also, a deer head. Three fireplaces, two chimeneas, a grill and a fire-pit.

7. DRIVE-IN!!! Double feature: "Indiana Jones" and "Iron Man."

6. We kind of forgot, but the original plan was to ask the locals where to go dancing. You know, in the Poconos.

5. Hanging out in the back of the El Camino, behind the gas station.

4. Paddleboat.

3. Conrad and Sue somehow got me to play cards. I even kind of liked it.

2. We drank so much, morning to night, and didn't even go through all the liquor we brought. Also, it felt like we got away for a whole weekend, but really it was just overnight.

1. Pulled into town around midnight, stopped at the Barbary to say hi to everybody outside. Conrad left the El Camino running. We were there for maybe two minutes, then home. I had so many missed calls when I turned on my phone.

Next time we won't screw up the car situation, and all of you who I really wanted to come will be able to come.

TEXT-SAVER, ANYTIME THIS WEEKEND

2008-05-30T20:52:00.000-04:00

Take me to the mountains and I will give you free booze.

CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER MAGICIAN'S NAME THAN "CON-FUCKING-RAD"?

2008-05-30T02:27:00.003-04:00

10. Deborah is French? Is that real?

9. I told J not to go to Delilah's without $200. It was his first time going to a strip joint. Next thing I knew, I turned around and there he was, taking $200 out of the ATM. Good man! Listen, even I have an awesome time at Delilah's. (But not without $200.)

8. Not a funny thing, but a big-up: Congratulations to Dan; apparently the new Women record that came in the mail tonight is awesome. I can't wait to hear it.

7. You work somewhere for three years; the boss's friend, who you've seen five days a week for three years and who runs a restaurant where you used to eat and drink all the time, buys you a drink from across the bar; and that's great. I mean, really, I'm grateful. Thanks, PD. But...really? You told the bartender my name was Rustica? Three years, PD. Three years.

6. Hot on the heels of the Camel Girl who showed up at our house party last week, one of our friends who we haven't seen in a while is now a Camel Girl, and I am going to make her start working our parties.

5. Kevin: Another PBR?
Me: Actually, can I have one of those?
Kevin: What, the vodka tonic?
Me: No, the High Life.
Kevin: (without a trace of irony) Oh, you're moving up in the world!

Speaking of which, I hope he gets this job he wants, but what will we do without our favorite bartender? Go back to Kenny?

4. It's hard to get into the El Camino, because suddenly you're surrounded, and it's like having a basket of babies and puppies, only instead of a big crowd of girls cooing, it's guys making loud whooping sounds like they just got laid or took the best shit of their lives.

3. After they leave, Steve Miller comes up to your car looking really pissed off and says, "Yo, were those guys giving you shit?" Love, people. Love.

2. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to the mountains for the weekend. Except, you know, I don't have a ride, and the car that's going is full without me. And it's my free weekend left over from the Christmas Bonus this year! So I spent the night inviting everyone I knew, and almost everyone had plans. I even met two people and invited them. Not into it.

1. Big news. Potentially, big big news. Would it be wrong of me to divulge the details for #1? How about this: ask Conrad what big giant thing happened tonight at Silk City, and if he acts like he doesn't know what you mean, ask what Diplo's doing on his next tour.

BARBECUE, BALLGAMES, BANNED

2008-05-28T13:30:00.003-04:00

The barbecue was an almost-perfect way to spend Memorial Day. Thanks to the entire city of Philadelphia for showing up. Besos.

10. I missed the part where "Duder" (Christ, that's actually what people call him) robbed our beer. For that, he's banned for life from Beulah II. Revenge, bitches!!!

9. Earlier in the day, when I was coming back from "Da Ac-a-me," I met my neighbor Chico and his wife and mother. Chico was really sweet and offered to lend me his pit bull/chow mix for a week or two so any burglars in the neighborhood would think I had a big scary dog. It got even weirder when he told me that dog is the only one that should ever leave the house, because the other two might kill somebody. Thanks, Chico!

8. Foursquare. Burgers. Beer. Good people. Sunshine. This formula is really starting to work for us.

7. Sidewalk chalk all over the street? Check. P.S. got a little upset when people started to turn her "abstract experiments" into representational things like cute sea turtles. Oh, lighten up, girl. Mwah.

6. Gary, I'm sorry I started a rumor that you were playing tennis at a country club when you were only playing volleyball at an "airplane pool" (I don't know what that means).

5. Champagne, beer, Bloody Marys, Clamato beer, and vodka-with-melted-green-apple-water ice are a bad combination. Somehow, though, I survived. Just keep 'em comin', folks.

4. I gave beer to the Chinese (?) guys cleaning out the house across the street. They just kept saying, "Thank you very much" over and over again. OK neighbors!!!

3. Another thing I missed: some dude running through the foursquare game, then two cops chasing him? And one of the cops falling on his face in front of my house??? Where the hell was I???

2. Seriously, the weirdly broad spectrum of people that showed up makes me feel very happy and loved. Dear old and new friends, Christians, philosophers, the gay mafia, skate rats, and migrant workers, I hope you all had as great of a time as I did. I think we'll do this again soon, probably for my birthday. (And, you know, this time, no beer stealing and no climbing into the neighbor's backhoe, and we should have a perfect day.)

1. I don't remember Ben coming back, but apparently we watched cartoons until I fell asleep. Woke up at seven the next morning on the couch. Sorry I missed the Barbary! Ah well, next time.

CAR WASH

2008-05-26T12:25:00.003-04:00

Hey kittens,

Come to my house for a barbecue today. Let's get memorial!
In the meantime, here's your Memorial Day mix:

GET MEMORIAL
1. Lollipop (Remix) - Lil' Wayne
2. Seconds - Human League
3. Baby (Breakbot Remix) - PNAU
4. Pogo (Shinichi Osawa Remix) - Digitalism
5. Flawless (ATOC Re-Remix) - The Ones
6. Lady - Modjo
7. All Over Your Face (Original Extended Mix) - Cazwell
8. Lupita - Panico
9. Lights Out (Remix) - Santogold
10. Bendable Poseable - Hot Chip
11. O Superman (Booka Shade vs. M.A.N.D.Y. Remix) - Laurie Anderson
12. Hercules Theme - Hercules and Love Affair
13. Hold On - HOLY GHOST!
14. Sunset Beach (CFCF Remix) - The Teenagers
15. I'll Be By Your Side (Rude 66 808 Remix) - Sally Shapiro
16. Star Guitar (f/ Au Revoir Simone) - Shinichi Osawa

& moving on...
Last night's ten funny things:

10. At a house party in NoLibs, two El Caminos lined with tarps, filled with water. People were baby-pooling. Amazing and a dream of mine come true.

9. Sue: "I like that at this party, boys in flip-flops and girl's bathing suits make the cut."

8. Sue, again: "Radiohead does not make dancing songs. This is dumb."

7. I'm glad I posted that "Bachelorette Party" image the other day, because there really was an Old City bachelorette party last night that made its way to the Barbary. These girls had penis whistles around their necks and everything. This is further evidence for my theory that the human race has evolved to the point where we imagine something, throw it out there on the internet, and it manifests itself IRL in a day or two at the latest.

6. OMG I love SGT. SASS!!!

5. I don't know, Matt showed me the "secret bathroom" at the Barbary once and told me it was probably OK for me to use it whenever, so I do it sometimes. Last night, the second time I went to go in there, I got yelled at by some dude who was all, "Hey! You can't go there! Get out!" So I did, because I ain't tryin' to cause a scene, but then after a few minutes I realized he didn't work at the Barbary at all; he was just another drunken asshole.

4. Sneaking in champagne is the new sneaking in beer. (I didn't do it, but I'm in love with the people who did.)

3. I promised I wouldn't make out with A. So, I didn't make out with A, because I keep my promises. OK, so I did make out with B, though. Whoops.

2. Now that a group of people consistently greets me with, "HEY GIRL!" I feel completely at home.

1.. Conrad, please please please please please never get rid of that El Camino. I feel like fucking royalty driving around in that thing. I want to just cruise around sometime and show off the fact that I am inside it. Can we do that?

TEXT-SAVER, 5/22-25

2008-05-23T20:09:00.001-04:00

THURSDAY:
1. I won tickets to see X. Taking Reyes. See you assholes afterwards.

2. Welcome Genna to her new house.

3. Silk City. Guest DJ from my favorite blog, Discobelle from Sweden!

FRIDAY:
1. Mammoth house cleaning and cocktails at inappropriate times to celebrate having a real weekend on my schedule two weekends in a row this month.

2. NOOOOOO!!!

Parties that make you sad and happy at the same time are the weirdest.

SATURDAY:
1. Recovery.

2. Suggestions? I'm looking at Steve's thing at the Barbary, Riverdeck invasion (looks like somebody beat us to it), or let's get dressed up and do Mojito. Not kidding!

"I'M GONNA WORK ON THIS FRY FOR A WHILE"

2008-05-23T11:43:00.002-04:00

10. X are old. Really really old. With Gary Glitter missing in action, Billy Zoom (above) is now the creepiest old man in rock, and he kept sticking his tongue out at girls and making them touch his guitar. They were good, but he was gross. Exene kept yelling at him and acting like he was an asshole.

9. James is coming tonight? And Steve?

8. JENNY GODDAMN JUPITER! Summer must be here, because Silk City was a maelstrom of old faces I hadn't seen in a year or two. All the freaks were out:

Freaks Come Out at Night - Whodini

Incidentally, thank you Christopher for that song--it stopped me dead in my tracks. I hadn't heard it since probably 1990, when I was ten years old. There was a house party across the street from my house--thrown by those strange evil creatures that roamed our neighborhood aimlessly--teenagers--and my conservative Christian parents, terrified that I would be eternally corrupted if I saw whatever was happening over there, ordered me to bed early. Of course, my room was in the front of the house, so I did what any red-blooded American would do and leaned out the window to get as corrupted as possible. This song came on, with its weird robot vocals, and it blew my mind. I really thought the lyrics were, "The Flinstones and the Go-Bots, the Flintstones gotta fly." Awesome, right? I ran down to tell my parents all about the undiscovered country of American pop music and the fantastic narratives it spun--the ancient past of cavemen and the glorious future of superhero sentient robot protectors meeting in the electric present moment of summer heat at the end of the millenium--just to sing and dance--and was commanded to shut my window and go to sleep. But for the next year or two, I wandered around my house making up robot dances, singing, "The Flintstones and the Go-Bots, the Flintstones gotta fly." I wanted to party really really bad with people in leopard-print tunics and robot voices. Two years later, at a family wedding, my fifteen-year-old aunt, who looked exactly like Madonna, dragged me out onto the dance floor to learn how to Vogue, and, well, the rest is history.

And what the hell:

Madonna - 1990 MTV Vogue
Uploaded by bebepanda

7. Free drinks are great, but not when twenty people are trying to get the bartender's attention and he ignores all of them to hand you a beer and very visibly waves away your money. You know what happens next? I can tell you: everyone turns around and looks at you with rather unhappy expressions.

6. My heroes are those people who just say "fuck this heat" and start their own dance party outside.

5. Rob tried to hold a table for us before we got there, but he had to compete with a table full of tube top-wearing bitches from New Jersey. I texted him to tell them that a hungry gay man was on the way and he would claw their eyes out. He texted back, "I did. They said the gay man has to be here to prove it."

4. Conrad spilled the contents of Angela's purse all over the ground beneath our table. That kid is smooth.

3. Sue tried to eat a French fry. One. She couldn't make it work, so she thought about just eating the soft inside of this single French fry and not the fried outer layer. That was difficult, too. Finally, she sucked some ketchup off the tip of one, and that gave her enough determination to work on the fry until it was eaten. I am proud to say that in the end, she ate more than half of the French fry.

2. This morning, JK woke me up to tell me his brother was missing, his phone was shut off, and the cops were calling their parents because they found Conrad's car smashed up at 6th and Tasker. Eventually I found Conrad, safe and sound--a moving truck had plowed into the back of his car early this morning while he was asleep. So, that sucks for him, but let me tell you, there is nothing scarier than waking up and thinking your roommate and BFF is dead, and nothing funnier than seeing him burst into the room in a suit jacket with lightning bolts on the lapel.

1. At 2:30 in the morning, Reyes showed up and started knocking on my window. Ben and I were watching a movie inside. I don't know how to describe how fucked up Reyes was--he was on his little stunt bike, twitching and convulsing and yelling about the Republican club. Then he repeated my address a few times and started guffawing and shouting, "Ferris Beulah's day off, that's what this street is!" until he biked home. I can definitely say that this kid is awesome and I'm glad he's my neighbor.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

2008-05-22T19:05:00.002-04:00

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE:

10. Twice this month I've been to the M Room - it's good to see people from there again. Last night Kenny was working. First he and Eric talked about Wittgenstein for a while because Kenny has a quote from Wittgenstein tattooed on his arm, and then the three of us got into a stooooooooopid argument about whether the word "pale" is an adjective or an adverb in the sentence, "The man became pale." (Adjective, by the way, and it's really really obvious, but try telling Eric.)

9. The other day, Conrad's bike broke in half. While he was riding it. They gave him a refund and he stole a bike from a drug dealer.

8. I was in a music video. When they post it, I'll post it here.

7. Sue's unwired. She is Philadelphia Citywide Free Wireless. Today, I watched her eat a sweet potato.

6. Conrad brought home a giant vibrating metal tabletop football game from the 50s. You should come hear it.

5. New favorite blog: Christophresh. I might start to bite off him a little and throw some music up here.

4. Kimmy and I almost actually got married by Dan, who's a preacher in the Universal Life Church, but he's not sure whether it would be legal in Pennsylvania...if so, it could have become a problem for us later.

3. NO MORE NIGHTLIFE PHOTOGRAPHERS!!! Or a break, at least. I'll pose with Sue's mouth if they ask me to, though.

2. A recent text from Eric while he was at MT:

"Mar is all like they're not really playing. And I'm all, what? How are they possibly not totz stonerz"

(I have no idea what that means; probably, neither does Eric.)

1. Last night. Afterparty at Beulah II. Alan and his crew left at 6-ish to go to bed. I've never outlasted him before. Ah, but there can only be one.

NINE HIGH C'S (LIKE IT WAS NOTHIN')

2008-04-23T21:04:00.000-04:00

I can't stop watching this over and over.

From The "New York Times":

After the tenor Juan Diego Flórez popped out his nine shining high C’s in “La Fille du Régiment” at the Metropolitan Opera on Monday night, the crowd rose and cheered. Mr. Flórez obliged with something not heard on the Met stage since 1994: a solo encore.

He sang the aria “Ah! Mes Amis” again, nailing the difficult note — a kind of tenor’s macho proving ground — nine more times. It was one of those thrilling moments that opera impresarios live for.

Seriously, you have to watch this to believe it. Go here.

correspond

2008-04-23T10:09:00.001-04:00

me: How am I supposed to drunk text you if you don't even have a phone?

James: drunk visit me, duh.

(who's in? let's do it.)

WISH LIST FOR A GOOD URBAN CAMPFIRE

2008-04-18T13:56:00.000-04:00

10. "I would totally date an ex-con"

9. Ending early

8. Possible new neighbors

7. Candle wishing well (I just learned about it)

6. JB: "I don't like popcorn with cheese...I don't know, I can't tell if I like it...no, I've never tried it...I think I really like popcorn with cheese"

5. Giant fires (too big) that really almost burn my house down

4. "If you don't like my bloody cheese, don't eat it"

3. Matt Doty getting a deal with Sony

2. Exploding lighters

1. Melted cell phones

A SLUGGISH RETURN

2008-04-14T23:56:00.000-04:00

I want you all to imagine something for a minute. Maybe this will get you in the mood for the summer...

I just did a search for "Madonna" to get "4 Minutes," because thank God my ipod is working again, and one of the songs that came up was "Intervention." For a moment, my knowledge of gay history failed me, and I imagined that she had covered the Arcade Fire:

Which, in turn, led me to the realization that it may be true that there is no Arcade Fire song that couldn't be made just a little bit better by having Madonna sing on it, somewhere. I'm not really expecting you people to get behind me on this one, but you know, that's how I feel. I mean, it worked for Gogol Bordello, right?

Anyway, so 10 Funny is back. I promised Genna. A birthday promise. So here's her birthday party:

TEN FUNNY THINGS ABOUT GENNA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

10. B. How are you?
A. Lovely. Hey, your mullet is looking great.
B. I'm thinking of cutting it off, dahlin'. Yaws looks like it could use some hay-elp.

9. Guests who arrive at 9:15. 9:15? Really? Good people, and I would have loved to have invited you in for dinner and gotten to know you better, but the fact is, I was eating dinner. Also, I hadn't even moved the furniture yet. I wonder what you did for two hours? (Poor thing, he looked miserable when I told him nobody would get there until at least 11.)

8. Mar's strawberries and champagne caused a flurry of confused allegiance to utensils: should we drink it? Use forks? Dig those chopsticks out of the trash? Are we even allowed to drink it? I directed the more bewildered constituents to the beer. Meanwhile, I drank and ate like a king. Thanks, Mar. You now have your assignment for Brunchfest 2K8.

7. Heatherette dolls? Classic gift. Thank you, Rob, for being in our lives. For my birthday, I want Amanda Lepore herself to appear. See what you can do.

6. Genna and Marilyn dance-protecting the ipod from Party Steve after he misguidedly skipped "Whatta Man." [Shudder] Never, ever, ever skip that song, everybody. Especially when there are girls in the room.

5. Not really a Funny Thing, but everybody who didn't know Genna wanted to know who she was so they could wish her a happy birthday and/or give her a present. Once again, as always, when I get my friends together, they reaffirm my faith in humankind by being sweet, laid-back and awesome. But I'm gushing. Oh, I'm all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: the bulldozer in my backyard is neither a bull nor a dozer. Discuss.

4. Open-door policy? No. Sorry, K. Never again. From now on, please keep the doors and windows closed. I'll get A/C if I have to. A/C is my middle name. (Just kidding; it's my initials.) Permissive cops? Yes please. When the cop (note: singular) came, she said, "Are you having a party?" I pointed to the twenty people in the street and then to the million people inside. She laughed and said, "OK, well the neighbors made a noise complaint about the music, so if you keep the music off, we won't have to come back and disperse the party." Somehow, in Sue-and-Andy-ese, this translated as, "Move yourself and your 124 friends across the street." Awesome.

3. Saliva-ed peppermint sticks in people's hair. BG, one day someone is going to stop laughing and hurt you. Until then, I've got your back.

2. I learned how to be mean. I didn't think I was that drunk, but according to my sister, I said a lot of things I don't remember, so I must have been. One of them was when some tall douchebag kept holding his bottle in my ceiling fan, so I told him to stop (I remember that), he said, "How is that your business?" (I remember that), I said, "It's my fucking house, you asshole" (I kind of remember that); and then, apparently, when he did it again, I told him to get the fuck out and somehow made him leave. That part I do not remember. Nor do I remember yelling at a bunch of other people that night for being similarly insensitive to personal property boundaries, but apparently, it's true. Uh, go me.

1. Somebody on Beulah St. woke up the next morning to find candy all over the house-the table, the walls, the floor. Apparently, she grabbed a bunch of Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip that was on the table and crammed it into her mouth, only to find that it tasted horrible, like laundry detergent. Yes, friends, our little girl had accidentally got her first mouthful of cocaine. Ah, the party life. Live here long enough, and if you don't find it, I guess it finds you.

OMG NEXT WEEK!

2008-04-04T18:59:00.001-04:00

HERO MACHINE (mostly zombie-related)

2008-02-20T16:30:00.001-05:00

#2 in an occasional feature where I explain why someone we know deserves to be listed in your "Heroes" section.

1. Sue, for accidentally saying that zombies are "not hard to fun from." Hooray for new transitive verbs!

2. Everybody who made that hilarious zombie movie for MRT that showed up on Philebrity today.

3. Everybody at the party the other night (except for the po-po). Can you send me pictures so I can blog about it already?

♥♥♥♥I♥T♥'S♥♥ H♥E♥R♥E♥!♥♥♥♥

2008-02-16T16:59:00.000-05:00

TONIGHT, people!!!

I hung out with Matt Doty last night and he is so psyched. He waited in line at UPS for hours--even an hour and a half after they closed--so he could pick up some last-minute records to throw on tonight. You want love? You want commitment? There it is.

Booty-shakin', out-makin', and various forms of writhing. See you there.

Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever
Uploaded by hushhush112

PARTY-COMMITTED.

2008-02-16T13:37:00.000-05:00

First things first:

Last night, Levon Helm and his band ordered $300 worth of food from Rustica. You know, there's cool, and then there's Levon Helm cool. Sometimes I kind of like my weird job.

Anyway:

Now that I can't get out during the week, the weekend is like this huge ginormous present I'm waiting for all week and jumping up and down like a little kid, wanting to shake it and see what's inside. So if I'm a little tired on a Friday night, not that many people are there, or not much is going on, I'm still having an awesome time. Seriously, you should try it.

Last night was Click at Fluid. Send me those pictures, Chris.

1. Sue has a habit now of leaving without telling anyone. Can we get her a bell or something?

2. You want free drinks all night? Just pay the five dollars for Chris to get in. I think I definitely got the good end of the deal on that one.

3. Except for when I slipped into my routine fiscally irresponsible party-mode and started buying Sue $9 drinks that she didn't really ask for.

4. Brazilian husband-and wife DJs? Yes please. Maybe not as exciting as I had hoped, but hey, they did kiss at one point. Come on, I mean that is totally unnecessary and completely adorable. Plus, they played Ku Duru.

(If you're interested, here's their most recent "Electro Banger Ghetto Trash Set." (Come on- do any of us know what that really means? Whatever, it was fun.)

JAGG OFF

Add to My Profile | More Videos

5. Woods' and my Jagger-text wars have now mutated into "Do your best Bianca Jagger." Also, that video has now spawned a new verb for us: "Doot." Do it. One word.

6. Another way to get free drinks (well, this is an old standby): don't make a big deal out of it when somebody knocks your drink out of your hand and onto the floor, especially when you hardly had any left in there. They're adults; they're going to buy you a shiny brand new beer.

7. I would like to take this opportunity to personally thank Eric for introducing us to a group of legitimately ridiculously fun and relatively Ani-free lesbians. On a related note, a million kudos for Deshawn's bizarre sweater and the Leslie and the LYs pride that came with it.

8. At work, somebody paid with a dollar bill that had crazy neon marker writing all over it that said: "LOTTO WINNER!!!" I took it to Fluid and paid with it at the coat check. The girl was really, really, really excited about it.

9. Strange sleep utterances. I love you, baby. Happy Valentine's.

10. I would like to take this opportunity to personally apologize to Ben for running into him and Mack on the street, inviting him to Marilyn's, passing out in a kitchen chair as soon as I walked through the door, and having somebody call him while he was finding parking to tell him never mind, we're going home. LAME.

OK, see you tonight. I have to go write a stupid paper.

OMG VALLINTIMES!!! # 4

2008-02-14T04:08:00.000-05:00

DON'T FORGET TO BUY LOTS OF STUFF FOR SOMEBODY SPECIAAAAAAAL!!!

Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With
Uploaded by djoik

Calvin Harris - The girls
Uploaded by CInq7

Björk - All Is Full Of Love
Uploaded by Bjork

VALENTINE'S COUNTDOWN, LOVE SONG #3

2008-02-13T03:25:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna tell you about love.

Madonna - Future Lovers / I feel love
Uploaded by bebepanda

BE MINE

2008-02-12T12:08:00.000-05:00

Here's what we're counting down to.

If you don't know where, ask me. If you don't know me, I guess it's just not in the cards.

Mwah.

VALENTINE'S COUNTDOWN, LOVE SONG #2

2008-02-12T05:32:00.000-05:00

Bright Eyes - First Day Of My Life
Uploaded by nono_the_bean

NOBODY ASKED SUE...

2008-02-11T17:51:00.001-05:00

...if it was OK to cop her steez.

But imitation and flattery etc, right?

Exhibit 1:

VALENTINE'S COUNTDOWN, LOVE SONG #1

2008-02-11T12:31:00.000-05:00

Let's get ready for Saturday.

Marc Almond- Ruby Red
Uploaded by jief75

BOOZE, BROADS AND BOOTY BASS

2008-02-10T23:09:00.001-05:00

1. When choosing their neighborhood bar that they'll be frequenting every night, people who are trying to quit smoking might not want to settle on the one bar in West Philly where you can smoke.

2. That said, Larry is an impressive bartender: you're not getting your drink until he knows your name (which he will not forget), where you grew up, where you went to school and how much you'll be drinking tonight. Go Larry.

3. Girls who lose their shoes at bars sometimes find them in Ben Gallman's pockets.

4. I finally got some vindication on the whole weird thing about Eric wanting to eat my face. All of his friends agreed that he's an absurd fucking weirdo and that he should be grateful that I offered to leave him my face in my will to do with it whatever he wants.

5. Two toilets in the same stall: bad idea.

6. The bathroom situation at Pi Lam, however, is improving. No more crater in the middle of the floor with a fountain of water spewing out of it.

7. The door staff at Pi Lam were overwhelmed with the turnout and incredibly appreciative: as they signed your hand, they said, "Thank you very much for coming. It's so good to have you here." It was astonishingly sincere.

8. Our secret beer carton made it about halfway before somebody found it and raided it: way better than we'd expected!

9. Crazed flail-dancing. It was an epidemic all night. That music was lasers.

10. 4 a.m. end-of-the-night carbo-loading: an American pastime.

SATURDAY MORNING PSA

2008-02-09T15:45:00.001-05:00

Watch out!!! You got to keep vigilant and PRAYED UP!!!!

THAT FELT GOOD

2008-02-09T11:34:00.000-05:00

Silk City, M Room, Barbary, Lauren's, Christopher's, home.

10. DJ block of Violent Femmes? Ben wouldn't stop talking about it.

9. At some point last night, I saw every last gay boy in Philadelphia. These people are so easy to love because they are SO FUCKING SMILEY!!!

8. Smurf blue drugs.

7. Huy still lives at Silk City.

6. Is there a word for people who go to a DJ night but just hang around outside talking to smokers and never pay to get in? Leave it in the comments.

5. Also, is there a word for that tiny weird cutout in the wall to the left of the door at Silk City where everybody always hides and smokes?

4. So surprised that Marilyn is my sister. Also, said things like, "When you're single, you get DJ gigs out the wazoo."

3. Look, I don't know how many times I've seen Lauren's huge enormous fucking cat now, but JESUS CHRIST IS THAT ONE GIANT HUGE ENORMOUS FUCKING CAT!!!!!!!

2. Girl: "Hi. Can I dance with you?"
Me: "Yeah!"
Girl: "Are you gay?"
ME: "Yeah!"
Girl: "Oh, thank God."

1. This kid DANCED! I have multiple witnesses to prove it.

Fashion A-Go-Go

2008-02-08T16:44:00.001-05:00

We all know that New York leads the way in fashion in the U.S. (shut up LA people...I've been to your stores and all you have is neon clothing). But we also have to admit that Europe is way ahead of the U.S. If you see it on the runway in Europe, expect it to be here next year. As seen at the Denmark and Stockholm fashion weeks....my top three impending fashion trends that make me shutter:

1) This is just a bad idea. Not only are you gonna have to avoid tree branches and stucco walls, but this is a straight path to a HUGE resurgence of some major huffing addictions. It is simply bad business to have a helium tank in your clothing closet.

2) Babies as accessories? C'mon! What are you supposed to do with it when you are passed out on your friends steps in South Philly from all the JB shots you did that night? I don't know much about babies, but I think it's generally frowned upon to let them sleep in your oversized handbag (on their way out, ps) in the Beulah alleyway.

3) Hammer, don't hurt'em. Seriously you guys, I've been watching all the European fashion weeks and I have been seeing this often. It's for real!!! So if you wanna say you were wearing that a year ago and are so over it when everyone else starts up, get yours now. I'm sure Vanilla Ice would be willing to unload some pants at a discount.

I WANT THIS!

2008-02-03T23:32:00.000-05:00

Glow-in-the-dark drinking straws.

They are rave-alicious, and they are real.

AHH, CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER

2008-02-02T16:43:00.000-05:00

On discovering that his dining companion, the Arab leader Ibn Saud, forwent smoking and alcohol on religious grounds, Winston Churchill retorted:

"I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them."

MT, 02/01/2K8

2008-02-02T15:19:00.000-05:00

10. Shiv likes her Venn Diagram.

9. If you ever want to feel like the lovedingest loved person who ever got loved, get Josh Manganella and Dan Goat to bear-hug you at the same time. You'll sweat rainbows.

8. MT is disco, disco, disco. I definitely felt like 1976 for an hour and a half. God, I hope this trend hangs on for a while. It's like the WHOLE WORLD IS GAY!!!

7. Speaking of which, hi, Jonathan. Nice to meet you last night. Also, I want you to personally thank you for singling me out and affirming that I come off to other people the exact way that I hope I do. You said, "Excuse me," and asked me what the hell was going on, why there were so many girls and beardos there, and what good your membership was if you couldn't find any gay boys to go home with. You said I "looked obviously gay but also like I probably knew what was going on." Oh, Jonathan, all I want to be is the gayest fag when I'm around straight people and the straightest butch when I'm with my people--thank you for sizing me up; it made me feel, well, fabulous.

6. Ladies, I just last night made a decision. Disco Era III or not, can we start saying "No" to sequins in 2K8? I mean, yes, all boys like shiny things, but sequins are starting to remind me too much of Jo-Ann Fabrics. Maybe let's go with iridescence:

5. Christopher's short hair!

4. Marilyn and her mini bottles. A+. We kept seeing them all night getting kicked around the floor.

3. At the Beulah Recovery Brunch this morning, Stephanie told us about the time she went to Las Vegas, drank a giant "High Octane" alcoholic slushee that her brother had secretly spiked with several shots of grain alcohol, went to see the Blue Man Group with her parents, and projectile vomited all over the lobby. You have to hear her tell this story. It's epic.

2. Continuing to validate her Instant Hero Status, a certain lady decided that, you know, if you want to be able to smoke weed downstairs at Pure, you should just be able to do it, and then she went ahead and did it. Awesome.

1. Rob's haircut makes him look like my boyfriend from the back. Three times I put my arm around him and talked to him like he was Eric, which, of course, he wasn't. Once I think I even said, "Honey, I love you so much."

Side note re: Native American Headdress girl: I applaud you for having the balls. Listen, people, one person dressed like this might seem like something of a douchebag, but let's pause and think of what she might be thinking. Maybe she's thinking, what if everybody dressed like this? What if we all went crazy apeshit bonkers and dressed like morons once a month? Would it be so bad? Or would it kind of be like this:

HERO MACHINE

2008-01-30T21:03:00.000-05:00

Installment #1 of a feature where I will point out why some person in my "extended network" deserves instant hero status.

LOLauren: I slept a little on your New Year's Resolutions. If reading them today was the only thing I'd done, I could still put a gold star on the calendar:

Congratulations, girl. Please stay within a 2-mile radius of me for the rest of my LIFE.

YOUSE GUYS'RE ALL INVITED

2008-01-30T12:27:00.000-05:00

When you're in school, you plan ahead:

Oh, what are you doing on Friday night? Shame there's nothing to do...oh wait, I forgot about First Friday, WTWB, Yo Majesty and Amanda Blank at the Barbary, The Teenagers and Dark Horse and the Carousels at Making Time...

So I guess you'll all be hurting on Saturday morning?

Beulah Brunch at noon. Bloody Marys and a European buffet. It's the New Philadelphia, people!

Get used to Advance Warning. This is how I roll until May.

TEN FUNNY THINGS ABOUT SCHOOL.

2008-01-29T13:16:00.001-05:00

IT'S WORKING! I'M GETTING SMARTER!!!

10. You can't get drunk the night before. I thought that wouldn't be funny at all, but I'm really enjoying myself: every night while I'm studying, you guys stumble through my door and drunkenly spill me your stories of the evening's antics. Then, if I see you the next day, you tell me an alternate version of the same story but with a lot of missing pieces and mistakes, and it's obvious you don't realize you're repeating yourself. I am completely honest in saying this: I am having so much fun being this person. Please keep it up. I love you all.

9. Backpacks. Everywhere.

8. "Were you born in 1989 or 1990?"

7. I like going to sleep now. It's been years.

6. Looking forward to MT at the end of the week actually almost means something.

5. Flying alarm clock.

4. Finding food in a cafeteria brings new meaning to "hunter-gatherer."

3. Loan rebates = a house entirely furnished by IKEA. Come have a glass of wine some evening and see.

2. Understanding shit.

1. Before, my dream was to go back to school. Now, it's to have time to blog.

Jay Kolos, you were my best worst date.

2008-01-24T00:13:00.000-05:00

michelle has a bastard

2008-01-22T17:12:00.000-05:00

the bad news: heath ledger just died
the good news: movies never die.

magic

2008-01-19T00:36:00.000-05:00

conrad is my favorite person ever. and well respected in magic. and boys who play magic love girls...but highly respect girls that are with conrad.
(and this is not a joke....even though conrad probably thinks i'm making fun of him)

also ryan just said rapex is like a chinese finger trap.

ps. i love you

2008-01-19T00:28:00.000-05:00

10. you can not masturbate while wearing rape x (rapestop.net)
9. what if my child finds the rapex in the waste paper basket and gets his finger stuck?
8. won't the rapist just kill me???
7. i didn't get herpes, you gave them to me"
6. the future of conrad is in sue's stomach
5. dick eating tampon machine (.com)
4. teeth trailer. are you serious?
3. want to have phone dry hump???
2. pants you can fit your friends into!!!!
1. sue is aborting conrad's future in miami

TONIGHT?

2008-01-08T14:45:00.000-05:00

10 mjr fvs RIGHT NOW

2008-01-07T16:48:00.000-05:00

1. A-Glads. 2 hours last night? Awes. Sign me up. (Not literally).

2. The username/password for the internets on Beulah.

3. Scene it With Buzzers at Rob's
and conversations that happen during it -

C: I love you, A.
A: ...thank you.

4. Still, the movies.

5. Losing things at parties. Finding them.

6. CL MCs.

7. LOLcats. So good in 2k8?!

8. Monday nights.

9. Booking one day cross country sleepovers at my sister's.

10. Andy, valiantly keeping blogging.

III. TOP TEN BROKEN RESOLUTIONS

2008-01-07T14:03:00.000-05:00

10. Being a vegetarian

9. Growing hair out (who has the patience?)

8. Hanging out in West Philly

7. Winterizing Beulah

6. Not taking taxis

(image courtesy The Onion
5. Reading (some people did really well at this)

4. Not eating candy

3. Spending less time on the internet

2.

1. Being Party-Retired.

(But overall, 2K7 was when we started doing things after we said we would do them.)

JUST NOW

2008-01-07T12:54:00.001-05:00

our counter hit 4,000.

IV. TOP TEN DEAD-ASS JAWNS

2008-01-07T02:40:00.000-05:00

Not to be mentioned again now that the doors have closed on 2K7:

10. "Kid Nation"

9. writers' strikes

8.Nikki Blonsky

7. Tiramizawesomes

6. Neocons/WMDs/Security/"Freedom Isn't Free"/etc.

5. "Digital Era"

4. "New Media"

3. Saleisha

2. New York

1. Conrad-hatin'